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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Children
Use synonyms
's upbringing is a major challenge for human beings.
Although
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 many people believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach manners to their juveniles, others consider that
schools
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 are responsible for developing these traits. In my perspective,
schools
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 are
great
Add an article
a great
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 source of fostering interpersonal
skills
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 rather than
parents
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. An enormous amount of
society
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 is of the view that toddlers spend their early life with their
parents
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 so they should take care of their social
skills
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. Toddlers not only inherit their
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
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 characteristics but
also
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 idealise them.
For instance
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, juveniles react to parental responses and imitate them
as a result
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parents
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 are in a better position to nurture their behaviour in a way
that is
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 socially acceptable.
In addition
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, a lesson
teaches
Wrong verb form
taught
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 at
early
Correct article usage
an early
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 stage endures for the whole life.
Thus
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,
parents
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 are responsible for teaching social
skills
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 to their juveniles.
Conversely
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,
schools
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 act as a small community for
children
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 where they can opt for interpersonal
skills
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. Because of its cosmopolitan nature,
children
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 from many different backgrounds including races, ethnic groups, religions, and genders are present at
schools
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as a result
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children
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 will learn to cooperate and respect other's views.
For example
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, research shows that if
children
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 spend more time in their
schools
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 they get on well with other members of
society
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.
Thus
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, educational
institues
Correct your spelling
institutes
 have far more positive implications on
children
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's behavioural
nurishments
Correct your spelling
nourishments
nourishment
. In conclusion, even though a segment of
society
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 claims,
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parents
Correct word choice
that parents
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 have a vital role
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in
betterment
Correct article usage
the betterment
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 of
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children
Change noun form
children's
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 behaviour, they are the
schools
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 that have a huge impact on
children
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 to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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.
According to
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 me,
schools
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 can effectively nurture adolescents' social
skills
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 as compared to
parents
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.

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Introduction Clarity
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the existence of two viewpoints and your own stance to engage the reader effectively from the start.
Lexical Resource
Try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the expression of your ideas, while ensuring accuracy in their usage.
Example Specificity
In your paragraphs, make sure to include fully developed examples to support your arguments. While you've cited general observations, more specific, illustrative examples could significantly strengthen your points.
Paragraph Structure
Pay attention to paragraph structure, ensuring each starts with a clear topic sentence that outlines the paragraph's main idea, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence where appropriate.
Coherence Enhancement
To improve coherence, work on linking your ideas more seamlessly using a wider variety of linking phrases. This will enhance the flow of your essay and make your argumentation more persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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