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Band 4.5

Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #members
Few people believe that a nuclear family is no longer important in
this
 day.
Otherwise
, Somebody finds that a family
also
 consists of
grandparents
 still retains its value because even a person
also
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 a
hand
 from their relation sometimes. Personally, I believe that an extended family is no more important as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education and career are given more priority. On the left
hand
, the extended family is needed
due to
 the increase in
grandparents
 who retired take of grandchildren. Some parents do not want their child to go to nursery soon, or maybe
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 have enough
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
show examples
 to
afford
Correct pronoun usage
afford it
show examples
. So, they decide
a
Fix the infinitive
to a
show examples
help from relatives like
grandparents
, in case both father and mother go to work.
According to
 a statistic in 2022, the number of
grandparents
 who must raise their grandchildren
is extremely increase
Change the verb form
is extremely increasing
show examples
, in
comparision
Correct your spelling
comparison
 with the
last
 year.
This
 statistic shows that with
this
 lend a
hand
 can release
such
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
pressure to
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 in extended
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. On the
right
Correct word choice
other
show examples
hand
, the younger generation
prioritize
Change the verb form
prioritizes
show examples
 their studies and
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
, so extended family is not pivotal. They leave their hometowns to go to a new place with a better working and learning
evironment
Correct your spelling
environment
. Based on statistics in Vietnam, quite a lot
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
permanently
Correct pronoun usage
who permanently
show examples
 reside in Ho Chi Minh
city
Capitalize word
City
show examples
 have hometowns in other provinces. More importantly, these people
mirgrate
Correct your spelling
migrate
migrated
 to the city because of better study and work opportunities. Even
through
Correct your spelling
though
show examples
 the younger
genereation
Correct your spelling
generation
 does not live with their family, they are
also
 willing to emigrate.
To sum up
,
while
 older generation
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 relieve pressure for taking care of their children. But it is undeniable that a part of
successful
Replace the word
success
show examples
 and
role
Correct article usage
the role
show examples
 of extended family in people’s everyday lives has been reduced.
Submitted by Meganvandao on

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Task Achievement
Focus on clarifying your viewpoints in both the introduction and conclusion. Make sure these sections strongly reflect your stance on the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
When discussing contrasting views, clearly distinguish them using transition words or phrases to improve the flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Use specific, real-world examples to strengthen your arguments. Avoid general or vague statements.
Overall
Watch your grammar and spelling. Consistent errors can distract the reader and detract from the clarity of your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on structuring your paragraphs. Each should begin with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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