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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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In
this
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 era, a range of options
of
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for
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 therapy are available to be chosen by patients.
As a result
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, a
shif
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shift
 happens as more and more
people
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 prefer to opt for
alternative
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medicine
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instead
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 of using conventional
medicine
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 by visiting doctors. From my point of view, it is quite difficult to consider
this
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 as a positive
development
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. First of all,
alternative
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 treatment and
medicine
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 are seen as a positive
development
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 for some
people
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 as
it
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they
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 could be provided at a more affordable price than conventional
medicine
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.
This
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 option seems to be more feasible for some groups of
people
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 who can not afford conventional treatment
For instance
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, chemotherapy for cancer patients usually costs millions
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of rupiah
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rupiah
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of rupiah
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,
whereas
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alternative
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medicine
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 sometimes offers the treatment at a price of less than one million rupiah
However
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,
instead
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 of curing illnesses,
alternative
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medicine
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 could possibly worsen
people
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's current condition and even lead to
another
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other
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 health
issue
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issues
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. Inaccurate assessment given by the therapist
along with
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 insufficient risk-benefit analysis are the main reasons why
this
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 happens.
For example
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,
There
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there
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 are many cases where a patient with diabetes is treated with a herb mixture to decrease the level of blood sugar and ends up collapsing as their blood sugar decreases to the point where It is intolerable.
Also
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,
sore
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some
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 researchers have proven that the use of herbs taken as
medicine
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. not processed well, could harm the kidney and lead to the
development
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 of kidney stones. in conclusion, even though nowadays
people
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arque
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argue
argued
 that
alternative
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medicine
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 is a positive
development
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due to
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 its price. I want to reaffirm my statement that
this
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 phenomenon tends to be negative since it could lead to
further
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 unpredictable health issues

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Task Achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure your response fully addresses all parts of the task. Your essay introduced both sides, but elaborating on why choosing alternative medicine might be seen as a positive development could offer a more balanced discussion. This involves analyzing motivations behind such choices and discussing their potential benefits, not just their affordability.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, aim to present ideas in a more connected and fluid manner. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next with the use of suitable linking words. For example, transitions such as 'On the other hand' or 'Conversely' can effectively contrast points between conventional and alternative treatments, enhancing readability and coherence.
Task Achievement
In terms of task response, it would be beneficial to further examine the implications of your arguments. Discussing wider implications of preferring alternative treatments, such as its impact on public health or healthcare systems, can provide a more in-depth analysis and demonstrate your ability to engage critically with the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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