IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Some would say that
parents
 should teach their offspring how to be good
members
 of
society
,
while
 others are of the opinion that
school
 is the best in
this
 regard.
This
 essay agrees with the latter point and will show that, despite the practical
experiences
 that
parents
 give their
children
,
school
lessons
 can give deep insights into what it takes to be good citizens. Some believe that
parents
 can educate their
children
 about being good
members
 of
society
 based on their life
experiences
.
This
 is because the life
experiences
 that
parents
 can give their
children
 are straightforward, down-to-earth, and so they can easily apply what their
parents
 teach them in reality.
For example
, many
children
 in Thailand become more polite, honest, and caring to everyone as a direct result of the practical
lessons
 that their
parents
 give them at home.
However
, I believe that
parents
 now are so busy and do not spend much time with their
children
 teaching them.
Lessons
 at
school
 can provide
children
 with valuable insights into being good
members
 of
society
. In class, students can receive
lessons
 about
different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
 traits of a truly good person that
society
 needs, and
then
 they put what they learn into practice by creating real-life problems and solving them together.
For instance
, after receiving
lessons
 in civic education at
school
, many Vietnamese students are more willing to help their
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
 and even strangers, and they feel extremely happy after doing something good for others.
For
this
 reason, I believe that
school
lessons
 are more influential to young
children
. In conclusion, despite the practical
experiences
 that
parents
 can give their
children
 at home,
this
 essay believes that
school
lessons
 can help students deepen their understanding of being good
members
 of
society
.
Submitted by sojitrachirag26 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a strong and logical structure, which helps in effectively forwarding your arguments. To further enhance this, ensure every paragraph seamlessly transitions into the next with cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, encapsulating your main ideas and opinion succinctly. You could improve by making your concluding statements more impactful by summarizing the key points more distinctly.
coherence cohesion
You successfully supported your main points with relevant examples. However, aim to provide more varied and detailed examples for each viewpoint to strengthen your argument further. This approach can add depth and persuasiveness to your essay.
task achievement
Your response to the task is commendable. You discussed both views and gave your own opinion clearly. To aim for a higher score, further elaborate on your reasons behind your opinion, giving more depth to your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, but to enhance them, try interlinking them more strongly with the question's theme, ensuring every argument directly relates to how good societal members are fostered.
task achievement
The examples you provided are relevant and support your points well. To improve, consider incorporating a wider range of examples, including statistics or findings from reputable sources, to substantiate your arguments even more effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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