IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #care #finance #people #money
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Some people argue that it is the
responsibility
 of governments to offer assistance to retirees, others believe that
individuals
 should take personal
responsibility
 for their financial security in old age.
This
 essay will discuss both views. On the one hand, retired people who contributed to society throughout their working lives should be supported financially by the state. It is the government’s
responsibility
 to establish and manage social security programs,
such
 as pensions, to provide financial support to retirees who may not have sufficient savings or income.
Moreover
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should ensure that retired
individuals
 have access to affordable healthcare services, including regular check-ups and treatments for
age related
Add a hyphen
age-related
show examples
 conditions.
In addition
, public funding should be allocated towards building and maintaining
retirement
 homes or assisted living facilities to accommodate the needs of elderly citizens who require specialized care and support.
On the other hand
,
individuals
 should start saving for
retirement
 early in their working lives by contributing to
retirement
 accounts,
such
 as employer-sponsored pension plans or individual
retirement
 accounts.
Furthermore
, it is important for people to manage their expenses and live within their means to avoid financial difficulties in
retirement
.
This
 may involve budgeting, reducing unnecessary spending, and prioritizing savings.
Finally
, planning for long-term care needs,
such
 as purchasing long-term care insurance or setting aside funds for potential healthcare expenses, is a
responsibility
 that
individuals
 should take seriously to
insure
Correct your spelling
ensure
show examples
 their well-being in old age. In conclusion,
while
 governments should provide support for retirees,
individuals
also
 need to take proactive steps to secure their financial future.
Submitted by lodele.0203 on

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task achievement
Consider incorporating more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument in both the discussion of government responsibility and individual responsibility. While your general points are clear and well-made, the use of particular instances or statistics could provide additional depth.
coherence cohesion
While your essay demonstrates a strong logical structure, consider experimenting with more complex linking phrases and topic sentences that clearly signal your argument progression. This will enhance the readability and flow of your essay, ensuring that each paragraph seamlessly connects to the next.
task achievement
To further improve your essay, explicitly state your personal stance in the conclusion. You mention that both governments and individuals have roles to play but elaborating on your perspective with a definitive statement could provide a stronger conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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