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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #members
It is commonly believed that
value
Correct article usage
the value
show examples
 of distant
relatives
 has decreased,
while
 others they continue play believe that they continue to play an important role in our life.
Although
 humans in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cases do not keep in touch with with extended family, I believe that despite more on
this
, they are not unknowns and continue to be your
relatives
.           On the one hand, people do not maintain contact with everyone from family.
Usually
Add a comma
Usually,
show examples
 distant
relatives
 live in different parts of
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 or even the world,
therefore
 they do not waste time together and have
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 common topics for conversations. And our cousins or aunts with uncles stayed in the past like memorise about the childhood. As we grow up we get married, become parents and extended family less valued than in the period when we
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 adolescents.
For example
, my father studied in one school with his cousins and he told a lot of stories about their
advantures
Correct your spelling
advantages
,
however
 nowadays they are in different cities and do not call each other.          Despite on
lose
Change the verb form
losing
show examples
 contact extended family continue to be part of your life. Humans usually speak about distant
relatives
, they share the information,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 know about important things in
relatives
'
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
.
Also
, all family is
invented
Verb problem
invited
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 events,
such
 as
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
show examples
 or
birthday
Fix the agreement mistake
birthdays
show examples
.
For instance
, I have never seen my cousin from Russia but my grandmother told me about them and
shows
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
 photos. For
this
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
 I believe that
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 humanity
appreciat
Correct your spelling
appreciate
 every relative.       In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
although
 the contact with extended family might be
losen
Correct your spelling
loose
. I believe that they still play
an essential roles
Correct the article-noun agreement
an essential role
essential roles
show examples
 in our
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by vikashin24022007 on

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Task Achievement
Be mindful of your introduction and conclusion. Make sure they clearly present your thesis and summarize your argument respectively. An effective strategy is to paraphrase the essay question and clearly state your opinion in the introduction, and then summarize your points and restate your opinion in the conclusion for impact.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure each paragraph clearly focuses on a single main idea. Use topic sentences to introduce the idea of each paragraph and follow with supporting sentences that develop the idea.
Coherence & Cohesion
To better support your main points, provide more specific examples and evidence. While personal anecdotes are valuable, also consider including broader examples or citing studies/data where relevant to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Re-read your essay to catch and correct repeated words or phrases, as well as any grammatical errors. This will enhance clarity and present a more professional and understandable piece.
Task Achievement
Increase the relevance of your examples by ensuring they directly support the argument or point you're making in the same paragraph. It's crucial that examples are clearly linked to the point for maximum impact and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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