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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.

#people #children #phones #school
It cannot be denied that most of the schools around the world allow
children
 to
use
 their
phones
 during
school
 time.
On the other hand
, some have not allowed it. Both views and my opinion will be discussed in the following essay.
Firstly
, a number of schools do not allow their
students
 to
use
 their
phones
 during the day
due to
 the
teachers
 need the
students
 to pay full attention to the
teachers
. Supporting sentence, the
children
 come to
school
 every day because they need to study and learn new lessons.
However
, if they have their
phones
 with them, they
could
Verb problem
will
show examples
 not be able to concentrate on what
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 front of them.
For example
, In Thailand most of the younger
colllager
Correct your spelling
colleagues are
 not allowed to have their
phones
 in the daytime. And with help from
children
 and
teachers
 to do the work. They
also
 can learn more things better than staring at the screen every day. They are here to learn not to play the their smartphones.
Secondly
, most of the
school
 allows all electric devices during class and it
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 useful for the
students
 to do online projects and learn something new
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
online. Support sentence, high
school
 learner could
use
 their devices to do some research during class and online activities that the teacher created.
For instance
, when I was an exchange student in the USA, the
school
 allowed all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
school
students
 to
use
 devices in the classrooms. For
this
,
teachers
 can
created
Change the verb form
create
show examples
 online games and online
ativites
Correct your spelling
activities
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Quizizz and Kahoot to make
students
 more excited to learn and study Not only
doing
Change preposition
by doing
show examples
paper
Fix the agreement mistake
papers
show examples
. All in all, I strongly believe that banning cell
phones
 is not the way for
children
. Smartphones could be so useful for studying.
Moreover
, they could be more interesting when
teachers
 create games and online activities. Cell
phones
 are more beneficial to
students
 allowing them to learn outside of the box in every way.
Submitted by pichanok25 on

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structure
Your essay should have a clearer distinction between paragraphs. Always start a new paragraph for each main idea.
cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to ensure the text flows from one idea to the next.
language use
Avoid repetition of phrases. Try to find synonyms or rephrase sentences to improve the diversity of your language.
task response
Work on developing a more coherent argument by clearly stating your opinion in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion.
accuracy
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and typos to improve overall readability.
vocabulary
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, especially academic words, to enhance the complexity and formality of your essay.
development
Be sure to support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Remember to address all parts of the task. You have provided arguments for both views but ensure that your own opinion is clear and well-supported throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: