IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smart phones. Why is this, the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example for your own knowledge or experience.

#children #hours #phones #case #development
Progressing technology and
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of electronic gadgets have resulted in spending excess time on
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 or tablets, especially, among the younger generations.
While
 some would argue that the
overall
 impact of
this
 trend has been positive, in
this
 essay I would contend that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
utilizing smartphones by school
children
 would
constitutes
Change the verb form
constitute
show examples
 some potential risks and
also
 explain some sources of
this
 phenomenon. First of all, it is an
undisputable
Correct your spelling
indisputable
show examples
 fact that the pandemic of Covid 19 in
2020had
Correct your spelling
2020 had
 a significant role in
prevailing
Correct article usage
the prevailing
show examples
 cellphones among school
children
. Breaking out
this
 fatal disease , confronted
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 all over the world with recession. In order to deter the crisis of illiteracy, online education,
therefore
, became a constructive solution in that situation. So,
this
 became a persuasive excuse for utilizing electrical gadgets including tablets or cell phones by
children
 for the purposes of education.
Furthermore
, good-looking games, provided for younger age groups
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 attracted their attention exponentially and distract them from more crucial educational subjects. More importantly, technology has revolutionized the way we communicate and facilitated the flow of information.
Nonetheless
Add a comma
Nonetheless,
show examples
 it has been accompanied
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 some challenges like social isolation; a situation seen in
children
 who, spend too much time
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
, Rather than relating to peers in the real world. Continuing
this
 trend, particularly without supervision on the part of parents, educational systems,
as well as
 governments, will
give
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fall to their collaborative skills and sense of community. Admittedly, unlimited availability of these gadgets accompanied with access to the internet could expose
children
 to a vast amount of information that some would consider offensive or dangerous ranging from pornography to instructions on how to make a bomb. By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that there is no necessity to possess smartphones from
such
 an early age.
Instead
 encouraging
children
 to take part in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real physical or mental activities would be more advisable and justifiable.
Submitted by golriiz23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure a clear and strong thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader's understanding throughout the essay. This establishes a clear position from the beginning.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples from your own knowledge or experience to support your arguments. This can significantly strengthen your task response by making it more tangible and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by using a wider range of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences for each paragraph. This can help in linking ideas more clearly and improving readability.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and punctuation for improved clarity and professionalism. Varying sentence length and complexity can make the essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and typos that can distract readers. Proofreading can greatly improve the quality of your writing.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: