IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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While
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 there are some drawbacks associated with the increase in the young community in some nations compared to the number of elderly public, I believe that the main benefits are more substantial. On the one hand, a potential disadvantage of raising the young
folk
Use synonyms
 number may be limited employment possibilities. In many developing countries,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people fail to take jobs.
For example
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, in Iran, the unemployment rate is increasingly escalating
due to
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 the lack of adequate job opportunities. Another perceived negative is that young
folk
Use synonyms
 require more facilities to meet their expectations.
For instance
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, there should be a wide variety of fitness centres, parks, and recreational facilities.
Therefore
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, governments may be unable to provide
such
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 facilities for young
folk
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, a primary advantage of having a young community is that young individuals are more willing to assume greater responsibilities in the job market.
This
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 way, countries can experience economic progress and social prosperity and it is beneficial to both
folk
Use synonyms
 and community. A
further
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 benefit is that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 public
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 less likely to encounter health problems. It can contribute to the reduction of governments’ expenses in the health sector.
For example
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, In Iran, the government spends only 5% of its revenue on the well-being of the public.
Consequently
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, there are more resources to allocate to other areas. On balance, it is true that increasing the number of young adults would seem disadvantageous under certain circumstances.
However
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, in my view, its positive effects in terms of economic growth and the reduction of treatment expenses override the disadvantages.
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task achievement
For task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt, offering a balanced view where required. Incorporating more varied and specific examples would strengthen your argument. Try to link each example directly back to how it impacts the wider discussion.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay benefits from a clear organization and logical flow of ideas. To improve, vary your linking phrases and transitions between ideas and paragraphs more. This will make your essay more engaging and the structure more sophisticated.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, supporting your main points with a wider variety of examples and explanations will make your arguments more robust. Try to go beyond the immediate examples and think about broader implications or alternative viewpoints.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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