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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The amount of time spend on sports and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children? Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest ?

#amount #time #sports #exercise #schools #children
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More time should be added to school so as to deal with the
problem
 of obesity in
children
. In my opinion, I think
this
 is not the best way of solving
this
problem
.
This
 essay will indicate other solutions. On the one hand, adding more time for young school attendees is not wise. They may do many exercises and go back to their bad eating habits.
In addition
,
this
 will not help at all because they will regain the calories they would have lost in their exercises.
For example
, my aunt did the same thing, she exercised a lot and lost my calories, and after a few days, she attended a party and ate cakes and many fatty foods and regained.
Thus
, all her work out exercising was worthless, because she had to work out again.
On the other hand
, education is paramount for parents to be taught about healthy eating,
then
 they will in turn educate their
children
 on the same.
Further
, teachings on eating a balanced diet are to be introduced in families.
Furthermore
, an emphasis on cutting down on fatty and starchy foods which add to obesity should be given in these teachings. Actually, the best thing is for the whole family to go and see a dietician who will give them knowledge of which foods to eat and not to eat and
also
 teach them about their eating habits.
Thus
, it is vital to be educated about a
problem
, so as to know how to tackle it. In conclusion, adding more hours to
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
trying to deal with
children
 who are overweight is not a good view in my opinion. Education is the key to
this
problem
 as it will give insight to the parents and the obese
children
 on how to fight
this
 over-weight
problem
.
Submitted by pncubeterera on

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Task Response
Ensure you address all parts of the prompt or question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas clearly. Group similar ideas together in coherent paragraphs.
Task Response
Make use of any relevant examples to support your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your conclusion reinforces the main points discussed and summarises your stance.
Task Response
The essay makes a clear argument against the idea that increasing sports time in schools solves childhood obesity and suggests education as a better alternative.
Task Response
Good use of personal anecdote to illustrate the limitation of exercise alone in weight management.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which are key elements of coherent writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • tackle the problem
  • overweight children
  • increase physical activity
  • healthier lifestyle
  • calorie intake
  • weight management
  • overall well-being
  • active and health-conscious generation
  • nutritional education
  • school curriculums
  • healthy food choices
  • promote a healthy lifestyle
  • implementing policies
  • unhealthy food options
  • reinforce healthy eating habits
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