IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you argee or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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With the advent of computers these days, they have become a part of a routine.
This
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 evolution has many more negative consequences for
children
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 than positive ones. Daily
use
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 of a
computer
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 screen is very harmful to
children
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's eyes and vision,
in addition
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, the
use
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 of
this
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 wonderful invention in science negatively affects the physical and psychological development of
children
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.
Although
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this
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 development helps
children
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 understand more complex things more easily,
this
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 benefit
also
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 has negative consequences, as the device screen emits harmful ultraviolet rays that lead to vision loss .
For example
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, poor eyesight in
children
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 is more common than in the 20th century because computers were not as common at that time. Unfortunately, in schools, during
computer
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 science lessons ,
children
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 are given tasks on the
computer
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, not only in
this
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 lesson
,
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apply
show examples
but
also
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 in other lessons, which is the main reason for decreased vision in
children
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.
Thus
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, increasing
children
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's screen time had a significantly greater negative impact than would
otherwise
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 have been the case.
Moreover
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,
children
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's
use
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 of computers is
also
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 a cause of obesity later in life. A survey conducted by WRL shows that people born in the
computer
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 age suffer from obesity more than people before it.
This
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 is
due to
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 a sedentary lifestyle, which
children
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 begin to get used to; they work hard on the laptop to complete school assignments rather than writing them themselves.
Hence
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, increased
use
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 of
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 in everything.
To conclude
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, the rapid adaptation of screens in
children
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's lives has affected the physical advancement of
children
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 which causes health problems like obesity at a later age.
Thus
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, the demerits of using a
computer
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 daily for
children
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 outweigh the merits of it. Schools should give exercises to
children
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 to write themselves, rather than simply assigning them to do it on the
computer
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.

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coherence cohesion
You've constructed a well-organized essay with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, to enhance cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to demonstrate the relationships between ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, including a clear position throughout. To further improve, focus on developing your arguments more fully. Include more detailed examples and data where possible to support your points.
task achievement
While you've included examples to support your arguments, try to use more specific and detailed examples to further strengthen your case and make your arguments more persuasive.
task achievement
Make sure that your essay directly addresses the question posed, ensuring that all parts of the task are covered. This includes arguing both sides if the question asks for it, even if you are taking a clear position.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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