The number of overweight children in the developed countries is increasing exponentially . What do you think are its causes, also suggest measures.

The
number
of overweight
children
witnessed a significant rise in the developed countries. In
this
essay, I will examine the factors that contribute towards overweight
children
and propose some solutions to
this
issue. There are a few sources that contribute to the increasing
number
of overweight
children
.
Firstly
, the main cause why is
this
happening is because the average level of the economy pushes parents to give
food
cheap to their
children
. Much
food
that is
relatively cheap usually does not have the adequate nutrition that
Correct article usage
the humans
show examples
humans
Change the noun form
human
show examples
body needs but rather has a high level of glucose.
As a result
of consuming a lot of sugar,
children
will be more fat. To illustrate
this
, noodles, which are one of the favourite foods for both
children
and parents since it is really affordable and
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
a delicious taste, probably play a crucial role in why
children
get overweight.
Furthermore
, aside from
this
, a sedentary lifestyle
also
brings an increasing
number
of overweight
children
. Nowadays, aligned with the advancement of technology, many
children
are not active physically
like
Correct word choice
and like
show examples
to exercise.
For instance
, when they are finished eating, their next activity is to continue the games they play with their friends,
thus
making the
food
not well processed and their body system turns the calories into a high level of glucose. A few ways can be taken to help reduce the
number
of overweight
children
.
To begin
with, the fundamental way to prevent overweight
children
case getting worse is to raise their and their parents' awareness about healthy lifestyles and educate them that being overweight will lead to obesity. Some people may not understand that obesity is one of the serious health problems that can cause death. The government and the rest of society have to put their best effort
to hold
Change preposition
into holding
show examples
a campaign
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
this
issue.
Thus
, we wish people will become more aware and picky to choose their
food
.
Moreover
, there is something that the government can do to solve the rising
number
of overweight
children
which is to create a regulation relating to health security.
For example
, the government have to come out with a huge budget to hold an early screening that captures
children
who have a higher possibility of getting overweight, and
then
give them a facility to get medical treatment. In conclusion, being overweight is mainly caused by
a high levels
Correct the article-noun agreement
high levels
a high level
show examples
of glucose in
food
that
children
consume
as well as
the sedentary lifestyle that they have.
This
essay suggested that the solutions to
this
problem are twofold: to raise awareness about a healthy lifestyle and to create a health support regulation.
Submitted by mmmuuu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the essay structure. The conclusion should succinctly summarize main points and restate your viewpoint.
paragraph development
Develop paragraphs with a clear main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single aspect of the argument.
cohesion
Use linking words to connect ideas within and across paragraphs effectively. This includes contrast (however, although), addition (furthermore, moreover), and cause-effect (therefore, as a result).
task completion
Address all parts of the task. Ensure your essay discusses the causes of the issue as well as potential solutions.
elaboration
Provide more specific, varied examples to support your points. Examples should be clearly linked to the point being made and relevant to the overall argument.
style and tone
Work on developing a more formal and academic tone, especially by avoiding contractions (isn't, doesn't) and using appropriate vocabulary.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: