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Writing Samples
Band 7

Many students now work whilst they are studying in college or university. This often results in them having less time to concentrate on their as well as feeling under pressure. what are some of the causes of this? what solutions could you suggest?

#students #work #whilst #college #university #results #time #pressure
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Education, especially long-term courses or
studies
 at prestigious universities can be very costly. To still be able to study, a lot of young adults decide to find a part-time
job
. But often their
studies
 and quality of life suffer from the additional responsibility. Symptoms linked to stress and work overload are known medical problems among
students
. Multiple reasons might oblige a student to work
while
 studying. First of all, it is the simple lack of financial support from his family. It is true that really poor families will be supported by the government to be able to send their kids to university. But
this
 is often not the case with middle-class families. Yet, middle-class families do not necessarily have a lot of money to finance long
studies
. Another reason can be the choice of place. Some universities are better than others
,
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apply
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 but might be in a more expensive city or have higher fees. Some courses are indeed very long and it can be difficult for a family to finance long
studies
 especially when they have more than one child.
Finally
, finding a part-time
job
 can
also
 be the personal choice of a young adult seeking financial independence. As can be seen, the motivations are various.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 there are solutions to help
students
 manage the combined burden of
studies
 and financial commitments. Scholarships are one of them. Another solution can be to offer
students
job
 possibilities in a field linked to their
studies
.
This
 will not only make them earn money but
also
 give them experiences useful for their
studies
 and exams. In a way, a student can work and learn at the same time. So it seems to me that the reasons to take a part-time
job
 are diverse, inevitable and often fully understandable. I think solutions –
such
 as scholarships and intelligent and qualifying
job
 possibilities – should be implemented by universities in order to help the
students
 and to increase the quality of education.
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task achievement
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a clear main idea, supported by examples or further explanation. While your essay has good structure, there's room to make your examples more specific to directly illustrate the points being made.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by linking your ideas more seamlessly. Use a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, however, consequently). This will make your essay flow better and help readers easily follow your line of reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial independence
  • employability
  • time management
  • academic performance
  • flexible scheduling
  • financial aid
  • scholarship opportunities
  • internship programs
  • on-campus job opportunities
  • stress relief
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