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Band 2.5

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the community. They believe this would benefit both the individuals, teenagers and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #teenagers #work #time #community #individuals #society
it is widely accepted that some people insist that all
teenagers
 have to contribute to
workfore
Correct your spelling
workforce
 which would encourage economic prosperity and practical
strenghten
Correct your spelling
strengthen
 both the individuals,
teenagers
as well as
 society in the long run. l firmly argue that it can be a force to lead
teeagers
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 into doing unpaid
work
. On top of that, it is imperative to respect personal rights, whether young people participate in
work
 consequences.
this
 is definitely indicated
that
Change preposition
by
show examples
 individuals' freedom and utterance in the constitution. Take Africa
for example
,
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 have
exploited
Add a missing verb
been exploited
show examples
 by
force
Correct article usage
the force
show examples
 of big companies, which have been compounding kids' physical powers.
By picking
Change preposition
Picking
show examples
 up rare cacao fruit
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all day,
no
Change preposition
with no
show examples
 time to rest, is a
cultural
Change the word
culturally
show examples
 atrocious virtue.
Furthermore
, a number of youth conducive to upward trajectory as a whole improvements
as well as
 main force,
while
 juvenile workers have to be paid what they
hade
Correct your spelling
had
show examples
 worked before.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 whole, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 no unpaid
work
. even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
work
preventing
Change the verb form
to prevent
show examples
 their freedom and security, companies and adult
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 have a right to offer compatible payments to
teenagers
.
To sum up
, some people illustrate that several
teenagers
 have to do non-payment
work
 in their spare time,
while
juvenlies
Correct your spelling
juveniles
 and children don't have a right to harness or to
intude
Correct your spelling
intrude
include
 their personal forces.
Submitted by gayoung9011 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on organizing your thoughts more logically. A clear structure with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion can greatly improve readability and coherence.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion sections should clearly state your position and summarize the main points, respectively. This helps in making your argument more persuasive and easier to follow.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your statements with more specific examples and evidence. This strengthens your main points and makes them more convincing.
Task Achievement
Complete the task by fully addressing the question. Make sure your essay directly responds to the prompt and discusses both viewpoints before presenting your own.
Task Achievement
Strive for clearer and more comprehensive development of ideas. Avoid overly complex or unclear sentences, and aim to express your opinions and arguments in a straightforward manner.
Task Achievement
While using examples, ensure they are relevant and strengthen your argument. Diversify your arguments by discussing the benefits or drawbacks more thoroughly in line with the essay prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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