IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many animals are endangered, some people argue that we should only protect animals that are useful to human. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#animals #people
Some contend that we should only protect some creatures that are useful for us since many
animals
 are endangered.
However
, I disagree with the idea.
Firstly
, there is no denying that protecting some useful creatures may exert several positive outcomes
to
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for
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 people’s health. For one thing, some useful
animals
 are likely to provide better medical
usages
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usage
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 for
humans
.
Such
 medical usages consist of making tablets by extracting elements in
animal’s
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animal
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organism
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organisms
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as well as
 judging the effectiveness of some drugs through
animals
’ bodies.
Consequently
, through protecting relevant species that are of great
values
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value
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for
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to
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humans
, many patients
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffering
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 from serious diseases may acquire better treatments. For another,
that
Correct word choice
apply
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useful
animals
 protected by
humans
 may boost industrial development.
For example
, protecting deer can increase many vacancies related to
advance
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advanced
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 uniform industries because
of
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apply
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deer’s skin is too warm to make
leathers
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leather
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 and has a large amount of requirements.
However
,
animals
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animal
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 protection for only species
that
is
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are
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 helpful
for
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to
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humans
 contributes to environmental problems. As we all know,
animals
 can influence
with
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apply
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each other, so that
making
Wrong verb form
makes
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 the biological system
runs
Wrong verb form
run
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 in a healthy condition. Provided that the useful creatures are protected well but we give up concentrating on other
animals
, the quantities of the protecting species may be improved tremendously, which brings many issues to natural resources.
For instance
,
over protecting
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over-protecting
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 sheep rather than
wolf
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wolves
show examples
 will cause land desertification since the large scales of
grasses
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grass
show examples
 are eaten and destroyed by sheep.
Thus
, some serious environmental issues may arise and the ecosystems may be in chaos. In conclusion,
although
 protecting
animals
 that are useful for
humans
 will bring more advantages
such
 as improving health conditions and providing some jobs,
this
 trend will contribute to environmental problems in the long run.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea. While your paragraphs do tackle the topic, reinforcing them with a clear, distinct point at the beginning could further enhance clarity and focus.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices beyond basic conjunctions and transitions. This could involve referencing ideas in previous sentences more smoothly or using synonyms to avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, but they could be more impactful by directly addressing the essay question more forcefully and summarizing your stance more clearly.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Real-world case studies or specific scientific research could greatly enhance the persuasive power of your essay.
task achievement
Try to develop your arguments more thoroughly. While your essay already presents clear ideas, deeper analysis and exploration of each point could help in demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
While your response covers the task requirements effectively, aim to explore the nuances of the essay question more deeply. Considering counterarguments or less obvious impacts could add complexity and depth to your essay.
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