IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many animals are endangered, some people argue that we should only protect animals that are useful to human. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#animals #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some contend that we should only protect some creatures that are useful for us since many
animals
 are endangered.
However
, I disagree with the idea.
Firstly
, there is no denying that protecting some useful creatures may exert several positive outcomes
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 people’s health. For one thing, some useful
animals
 are likely to provide better medical
usages
Fix the agreement mistake
usage
show examples
 for
humans
.
Such
 medical usages consist of making tablets by extracting elements in
animal’s
Change noun form
animal
show examples
organism
Fix the agreement mistake
organisms
show examples
as well as
 judging the effectiveness of some drugs through
animals
’ bodies.
Consequently
, through protecting relevant species that are of great
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
humans
, many patients
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffering
show examples
 from serious diseases may acquire better treatments. For another,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
useful
animals
 protected by
humans
 may boost industrial development.
For example
, protecting deer can increase many vacancies related to
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 uniform industries because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
deer’s skin is too warm to make
leathers
Fix the agreement mistake
leather
show examples
 and has a large amount of requirements.
However
,
animals
Change the noun form
animal
show examples
 protection for only species
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 helpful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
humans
 contributes to environmental problems. As we all know,
animals
 can influence
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each other, so that
making
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
 the biological system
runs
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 in a healthy condition. Provided that the useful creatures are protected well but we give up concentrating on other
animals
, the quantities of the protecting species may be improved tremendously, which brings many issues to natural resources.
For instance
,
over protecting
Add a hyphen
over-protecting
show examples
 sheep rather than
wolf
Fix the agreement mistake
wolves
show examples
 will cause land desertification since the large scales of
grasses
Fix the agreement mistake
grass
show examples
 are eaten and destroyed by sheep.
Thus
, some serious environmental issues may arise and the ecosystems may be in chaos. In conclusion,
although
 protecting
animals
 that are useful for
humans
 will bring more advantages
such
 as improving health conditions and providing some jobs,
this
 trend will contribute to environmental problems in the long run.
Submitted by fiasngs on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea. While your paragraphs do tackle the topic, reinforcing them with a clear, distinct point at the beginning could further enhance clarity and focus.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices beyond basic conjunctions and transitions. This could involve referencing ideas in previous sentences more smoothly or using synonyms to avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, but they could be more impactful by directly addressing the essay question more forcefully and summarizing your stance more clearly.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Real-world case studies or specific scientific research could greatly enhance the persuasive power of your essay.
task achievement
Try to develop your arguments more thoroughly. While your essay already presents clear ideas, deeper analysis and exploration of each point could help in demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
While your response covers the task requirements effectively, aim to explore the nuances of the essay question more deeply. Considering counterarguments or less obvious impacts could add complexity and depth to your essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: