In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
In some
states
older generations are required to continue working even after reaching retirement age. Add a comma
states,
While
this
practice may enhance their financial security and mental-being
, it could potentially impact their Replace the word
mental well-being
overall
health
condition. Additionally
, it might lead to reduced job opportunities for the younger generations.
Encouraging elders to work continuously can indeed help them sustain their financial security, as they get/receive a salary from their employer. This
is because,
in some countries where retirement benefits alone may not be sufficient to meet their financial needs. Many elders find themselves dissatisfied with the funds provided by government retirement programs, making continued employment Remove the comma
apply
crucial
source of income to maintain their financial stability. Correct article usage
a crucial
Additionally
, when older individuals contribute their knowledge and skills to society through work, it often brings them happiness and confidence.
On the other hand
, this
circumstance can negatively impact the health
of older individuals and lead to increased unemployment among younger generations. Older workers may struggle with health
issues and fatigue, potentially spending more money on healthcare. Additionally
, younger workers may face challenges in replacing experienced older workers in the workforce, as they often lack the necessary experience. Employers may prefer to hire older staff over new graduates due to
their experience.
To conclude
, securing their financial stability and sustaining their mental health
are benefits when retirees work. However
, this
trend may have negative impacts on their health
, and it could also
lead to an increase in unemployment
rate among the youth.Correct article usage
the unemployment
Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on
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Task Achievement
Ensure that the essay topic is thoroughly addressed; your response seems to deviate from the given topic about young people taking a year off before starting university. Try to stay more closely aligned with the specific question asked.
Task Achievement
Offer specific examples and evidence to strengthen your points. While some arguments are presented, further details or real-world examples could enhance the persuasiveness and relevance of your discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Maintain clear organization of your essay by using cohesive devices effectively. It's beneficial to signal the transition between paragraphs and ideas more clearly to enhance the logical flow.
General
Review the essay prompt carefully to ensure that your essay directly and fully addresses the question asked. This will also help improve the relevance of your examples and arguments.
Task Achievement
You've provided clear arguments for both sides of the issue.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay maintains a good logical structure, which helps in presenting your points in a coherent manner.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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