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Band 5.5

many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events. do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #world #media #touch #news #events
the majority of
people
 on the earth always
use
 social networking
sites
 , which help them connect with
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 and catch up on new occasions.
this
 author believes that the benefits of convenience and improved relationship outweigh the drawback of isolating themself from society. the greatest benefit of using social networking
sites
 is that can be convenient .
in other words
, various ages spend more
time
 accessing the internet because more clever machines are easy to
use
 and they can
use
 them every
time
 and everywhere they want.
for example
, in modern countries, social tend to leave their hometown and go to the city to have work. when they desire their family, they always
use
 smartphones to call them.
besides
 that ,
people
 can isolate themself from social because they are addicted to their social networking
sites
 and they are apathetic to society. spending more
time
 using phones, they think it is not necessary to care for others .
As a result
Add a comma
,
show examples
most of family in Vietnam
take
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 their children to
use
 phones early , and for a long
time
 , the children can not give up using smartphones.
nonetheless
, using social networking
sites
 helps catch up on more news occasions around the world. the public can trend to their celebrities or new fashion. nowadays, most
people
 read the news on the Internet so clever machines are more and more important and convenient in social life. summarising, using social networking
sites
 helps
people
 do everything easily and more effectively in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
thus
people
 just
use
 clever machines outweigh its negative.

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Task Achievement
You've addressed the topic adequately by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of social media. To improve your task response score, ensure you develop your points with more specific and varied examples. A more balanced argument could also make your essay more comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a recognizable structure; however, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to help with the flow of ideas. Using a wider range of linking words can improve cohesion. Also, work on your paragraph structure to ensure each one has a clear main idea and supporting sentences.
Language
Check your essay for grammatical errors and aim to use a wider range of sentence structures. This will make your writing more complex and improve your score. Pay particular attention to article use (a, an, the), prepositions, and verb tense consistency.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • facilitate
  • geographically separated
  • fostering
  • connectivity
  • instant communication
  • real-time information
  • misinformation
  • rigorous checks and balances
  • fake news
  • addictive nature
  • detract
  • face-to-face interactions
  • mental health
  • awareness of limitations
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