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Writing Samples
Band 4

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#fathers #home #care #children #mothers #work #reason #development
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Nowadays, mothers go out to work
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fathers prefer to be at home and take care of their juveniles. There can be many reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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this
 and people may have varied opinions on the topic.
However
, my own perspective is uttered as under. The modern era brought a plethora of positive and negative changes that were needed.
Although
, the reasons for the said happening are not that simple. One of the reasons could be that after giving birth, the women are fed up
of
Change preposition
with
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 their schedule. So in order to have a change in their daily life, they opt for a job and as the baby
is needed
Wrong verb form
needs
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 to be looked after, it is done by the male
patent
Correct your spelling
patient
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. The other reason may be the wave of feminism
that is
 breaking the patriarchy and consolidating a novel matriarchy. Moving to the positive side, if the fathers are staying at home
then
 the mother is relieved of the daily chores and it is
also
 necessary for their proper recovery from the traumas that they might have experienced during the painful days. Apart from that, it is
also
 beneficial on the global scale as
development
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the development
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 of a country is judged
from
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by
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 the independence enjoyed by the females. Turning to the negative aspect, there might be some conflicts that may arise between the parents because the men are not as gentle as the women in dealing with the children. The prolonged harsh treatment
to
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of
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 a child may result in improper growth of a kid. To recapitulate, It could be said that there are many merits of women being at work and fathers staying at home
for looking
Change preposition
to look
show examples
 after the children than the demerits.
Hence
, it could be taken as an appreciable development for the society.
Submitted by bhardwajkomal136 on

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Task Achievement
Work on expanding your main points with more detailed and specific examples. This can help strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing. Consider real-life scenarios or statistics to support your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and stick to it throughout the paragraph. This will help in maintaining a logical flow. Use linking words effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Try to maintain a balanced perspective by discussing both sides of the argument before concluding. This can offer a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Avoid overgeneralizations and make sure your points are well-supported with evidence or logical reasoning. This will add credibility to your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Proofread your essay to fix any grammatical errors or unclear sentences. This will help in making your essay more coherent and easy to understand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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