IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Presently, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#population #countries #adults #people #situation
Nowadays
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 motto of every
country
 is "Our future is in the hands of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 as it always has been". In some of the countries
big
Correct article usage
a big
show examples
 percentage of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
overweight
Add a missing verb
are overweight
show examples
 number of elderly
people
.
This
 is absolutely
beneficially
Change the word
beneficial
show examples
 to have
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
show examples
 more young
people
instead
 of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will argue why the advantages in
this
 case outweigh the
weaknesess
Correct your spelling
weaknesses
. 
Firstly
, young
people
 are always much more productive and
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 too much
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
country
's economy by working.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 a
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his twenties can contribute to
development
Add an article
the development
show examples
 of a particular
country
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 his employment ability
instead
 of
elderly
Correct article usage
an elderly
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 already unable to work because of
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 age.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 every new generation
have
Wrong verb form
has its
show examples
 own capability and bright mind which leads to new ideas for
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
 of the cities and countries
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
.
This
 means old
people
 are always
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
old-fashion
Correct your spelling
old-fashioned
show examples
 thinking so every new generation contributes
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new ideas in
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 modern days. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 having a much more youngest
people
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the population is always
beneficially
Change the word
beneficial
show examples
 for the
prosperitas
Correct your spelling
prosperity
 and future of the
country
Submitted by yuzgeademova2001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure a balanced view of the topic by discussing both advantages and disadvantages more explicitly before concluding.
Task Achievement
Develop your paragraphs with more detailed examples and explanations to fully support your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the logical structure of your essay to make sure ideas flow naturally from one section to the next. Using transition words can help.
Coherence and Cohesion
Revise your introduction and conclusion to more directly address the question asked, ensuring a clear stance is presented and summarized.
Language Accuracy
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and try to avoid overly simplistic sentence structures to improve the sophistication of your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: