IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say the professional workers such as, doctors, nurses and teachers, who make greater contribution to the society, should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

#people #workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #field #sports #entertainment
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In contemporary society, there is a prevailing belief that professional occupations should receive priority in
payment
Use synonyms
 over fields
such
Linking Words
 as sports or entertainment
due to
Linking Words
 perceived greater devotion.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay contends that
such
Linking Words
 prioritization undermines principles of justice and hampers a country's development. It is essential to recognize that fairness in compensation is a fundamental desire shared by citizens in any nation. Following the upheaval of the Second World War, aspirations for economic stability and social progress led
individuals
Use synonyms
 to seek meaningful employment with decent wages. Prioritizing
payment
Use synonyms
 for certain professions over others not only disregards the contributions of
individuals
Use synonyms
 in sports and entertainment but
also
Linking Words
 exacerbates feelings of injustice and inequality.
This
Linking Words
 can ultimately lead to societal unrest and heightened pressure on authorities to address disparities in
payment
Use synonyms
 across various sectors.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, fostering economic growth requires a balanced approach to compensation across all occupations. When
individuals
Use synonyms
 perceive that their efforts are undervalued compared to those in
favored
Change the spelling
favoured
show examples
 professions, morale and productivity suffer, leading to a cycle of discontent and potential unemployment. By promoting fair
payment
Use synonyms
 for all types of work, governments can encourage greater participation in the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market and foster a more equitable distribution of resources, ultimately contributing to long-term economic stability and prosperity. In conclusion, prioritizing
payment
Use synonyms
 for professional occupations over sports or entertainment fields undermines principles of fairness and impedes a country's development. To promote social cohesion and economic growth, governments should strive to establish equitable compensation norms that recognize the contributions of
individuals
Use synonyms
 across all sectors. By valuing diversity and inclusivity in
payment
Use synonyms
 practices, societies can harness the full potential of their workforce and pave the way for a more prosperous future.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
While you have made a valid attempt to address the task by presenting arguments on both sides, incorporating more direct references to the specific impacts of undervaluing sports and entertainment professionals compared to those in healthcare and education could strengthen your argument. Try to clearly demarcate your position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement at the outset to guide the reader more effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay benefits from a logical progression of ideas, reflected in well-structured paragraphs. However, enhancing coherence could be achieved by more effectively linking these ideas, perhaps through more varied and precise transitional phrases. This would make the overall argument flow more smoothly for the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
To boost cohesion within your essay, consider developing your main points with concrete examples that illustrate the societal and economic impacts of imbalanced compensation. Specific, real-world scenarios or statistical data could provide tangible support for your arguments, enhancing both the persuasiveness and the coherence of your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: