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Band 2.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academy world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely . discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #information #research #business #academy #world
Some people argue that it is important to widely share as much
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
data
 as possible in the world of science,
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 and academia. Others
convinced
Add a missing verb
are convinced
show examples
 that some
information
 should be kept confidential.
Although
 I understand why some
information
 should not be disclosed, I strongly
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that spreading more
information
 in scientific studies, business and academia is far more beneficial for
humanities
Correct article usage
the humanities
show examples
. There is a belief that
information
 cannot be shared widely because it might
contains
Change the verb form
contain
show examples
 sensitive
information
 that could be a threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 security. Indeed there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 some
information
 or
data
than
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 can not be shared widely,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 individual/personal
data
 or
data
 regarding
security
Add an article
the security
show examples
 of a country that
consider
Wrong verb form
is considered
show examples
 a secret.
However
,
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
data
 should be published widely because it could benefit people and communities.
For example
,
data
 regarding earthquakes in a country could potentially help other countries to mitigate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar disastrous events. Another example is public health
surveilance
Correct your spelling
surveillance
data
 on tuberculosis in one city could benefit its
neighbor
Replace the word
neighbouring
show examples
 cities.
Therefore
, it is valuable for
data
/
information
 if they are shared widely. In conclusion,
although
 few
information
 cannot be shared because of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 sensitive nature,
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of
information
 can be spread widely. I believe spreading as much
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
information
 as possible in
Correct article usage
the bussiness
show examples
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
, scientific and academic world could
significantly
Add a missing verb
be significantly
show examples
 valuable for humanities.
Submitted by NA on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen your essay's structure by ensuring a clear division between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases and clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion to clearly present the essay's main argument and summarise the key points discussed. This can make your essay's purpose and structure more evident to the reader.
task achievement
Aim to develop your main points more thoroughly by providing more detailed examples, evidence, and analysis. This will make your arguments more convincing and your essay more comprehensive.
task achievement
When providing examples, make sure they are specific and directly support the point you're making. Consider expanding on how the examples illustrate your argument to make their relevance clearer.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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