IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

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In today's world,
people
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face
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 choices between taking numerous
risks
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 in their careers and personal lives.
While
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this
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 can offer various advantages, it can
also
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 bring about some detrimental effects. Personally, I would argue that
although
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this
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 phenomenon has a few advantages, its drawbacks are more considerable. On the one hand, there are several minor merits to having to
face
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 both types of
risks
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.
This
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 risk will help
people
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 boost their problem-solving skills, and
thus
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 they can offer the opportunity to enhance their career path.
For example
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,
people
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 who work as marketers in a startup agency are encouraged to conduct more work in order to find potential customers than in other companies.
This
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 is the main reason why both types of
risks
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 positively affect
people
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.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 development still has major downsides, which eclipse the aforementioned benefits. For
people
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 with poor psychology, having to
face
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risks
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 prevents them from finding jobs. To explain,
this
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 type of person tends to prevent themselves from the community.
However
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, they burden finances;
therefore
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, they
also
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 seek a job in order to solve it.
Due to
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 the
risks
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 in their profession, they are likely to retire. It is not hard to understand that
people
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 do not want to
face
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risks
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 in life. In conclusion, I personally think that even though a small number of upsides can arise from
this
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 phenomenon, its demerits are of greater significance. Notwithstanding, it is advised that there are several
risks
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 that encourage
people
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 to improve their career path.

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position on the issue. While an opinion was presented, it lacked a strong thesis statement that would guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on the logical flow of ideas. Try to create clear and direct topic sentences for each paragraph and use a range of cohesive devices effectively.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. General statements should be substantiated with concrete details to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Check for repetition of ideas and phrases. This impacts the logical flow and the reader's engagement with the text. Aim for a more varied and precise vocabulary.
task achievement
The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key arguments made in the essay and by more firmly stating your final position.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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