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Band 5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases
In the
last
 few years, automation has developed rapidly. It is good for us,
on the contrary
on
Add the comma(s)
, on
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 the other hand, technology has many disadvantages. Hackers can now keep watch on
people
,
such
 as stalking smartphones and computers. Most of the
people
 are unaware and do not believe
this
.
This
 essay discusses the merits and drawbacks of
this
 machinery development. First of
all
Add a comma
all,
show examples
 mention the disadvantages of technology. The internet and sites contain a number of information about
people
’s privacy, bank, family, and work information. These can be easily accessed by hackers and criminals who misuse them by blackmailing their targets for money extortion.
For example
, in Mongolia, attempts by hackers to break into
people
’s Facebook accounts and embezzle money from their insiders are rampant.
Although
 there are negatives to
this
, positives are
also
 present. There are many types of CCTV cameras in places where many
people
 gather in cities and provinces.
Due to
 the fact that cases
such
 as
pick pocketing
Correct your spelling
pickpocketing
show examples
, injury to
people
 and disappearance of children are extremely common in places where there are large crowds of
people
. It greatly helps law enforcement agencies,
individual
Correct word choice
and individual
show examples
 victims, and is easy to find accused and reduce the crime rate in the city. In conclusion, some
people
 are always stalking us on social media and most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
 do not know it, especially older
people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not believe it.
Therefore
, it is good for everyone to protect their mobile phones and computers with high protection.
On the other hand
, technological advancements like CCTV are watching and protecting every step of the way.
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, it's crucial to organize your ideas more logically, ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and is followed by supporting details. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can help to make the connections between your ideas clearer.
task achievement
For task response, ensure you fully address all parts of the prompt. This includes discussing not only the technology monitoring aspect but also the implications for the monitored individuals and societal impacts. Incorporate more specific examples and data to back up your points and make your argument stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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