IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older. While others thinks that they should stay at home with family. Discourse both views and give your own opinion.

#parents #people #home #discourse
Many
parents
 believe that children should go out to live when they are older, but some
parents
 believe that children should be together at home. In my opinion, children should leave home more than be with their
parents
.
Firstly
, Allowing
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
young people
come
Fix the infinitive
to come
show examples
 out to live can allow them to live on their own and have the freedom to explore themselves, be able to think and make decisions without being interfered
by
Change preposition
with by
show examples
 their
parents
,
such
 as financial management, food and housing, which creates confidence in doing things.
On the other hand
, Some people grew up with
family
Add an article
a family
show examples
 that was everything in their lives,being with family was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
comfortable,
love
Replace the word
loving
show examples
 and strong family ties. In conclusion, Staying with their families may help strengthen family relationships,
however
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 young people should be able to live on their own,
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
become emotionally stable adults and manage themselves.
Submitted by amittawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Introduce the topic and both views clearly in the introduction to set a clear context for the reader.
task achievement
Provide a balanced discussion of both views before stating your opinion to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Use a clear paragraph structure with distinct introductions, main bodies, and conclusions to improve readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific examples and explanations to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: