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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours a day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
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In recent years, the usage of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 has increased significantly. Many
children
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 spend hours daily on
smartphones
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. There are several
reasons
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 why
this
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 trend is gaining momentum, and opinions are divided on whether
this
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 development is positive or negative. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the
reasons
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 behind the increasing usage of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 and present my view on how
this
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 is a negative development. One of the
reasons
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 why
children
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 began to spend more
time
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 on
smartphones
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 is the digitalization of society. Today's generation is accustomed to solving all possible issues with the help of gadgets: working using technology, relaxing by watching movies and listening to music, and even shopping has become mostly online.
Children
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 in
this
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 sense are no exception and only do the same as the rest of the world.
However
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, the next reason for large screen
time
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 of
children
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 is the lack of real communication. The modern world has become so fast that even young
children
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 sometimes do not have enough
time
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 to go out and play with friends, as they are constantly busy with school and extracurricular activities.
Therefore
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, it is easier for
children
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 to write several messages to their friends than to have
time
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 to meet them in person.
Thirdly
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, the reason for the widespread use of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 can be attributed to marketing companies of digital businesses. Social networks
such
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 as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and others are trying to change their interface so much that people become dependent on these applications and spend as much
time
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 as possible in them, which, of course, affects
children
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 as well. In my opinion,
children
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's excessive use of
smartphones
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 is more a negative fact than a positive one. A large amount of screen
time
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 can lead to various health problems: blurred vision, deterioration of posture, problems with attention.
In addition
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,
smartphones
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also
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 affect the mental health of both
children
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 and adults. They cause people to worry more and spend less
time
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 in the present rather than thinking about the past and future.
Finally
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, the online environment can make it difficult for
children
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 to communicate in real life. The more adults neglect
children
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's need to have free
time
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 to communicate with peers, the more often they will communicate online and thereby lose empathy and socialization skills. In conclusion, the increasing usage of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 is a concerning trend. There are many
reasons
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 why
smartphones
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 have become a part of the lives of
children
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 and teenagers today, but society needs to find solutions to all these
reasons
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 to help
children
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 spend less
time
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 online and more
time
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 in the real world.
Otherwise
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, they will inevitably face problems with mental and physical health, and it will
also
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 be more difficult for them to assimilate into society.
Submitted by julykryuchkova on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. This helps in structuring your essay more logically and makes your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
For a higher score in Task Achievement, try to include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This helps in demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve in terms of coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are well structured, try to make your conclusion more impactful by summarizing your arguments more strongly and stating your opinion clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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