Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that governments should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people believe that educating the youth is the top priority goal of any nation
while
others argue that state money should be channeled to reduce the rate of illiterate
adults
.
This
essay completely agrees with the latter initiative to better improve
adult
literacy because it will ultimately contribute to economic growth
as well as
benefit the next generations.
To begin
with, a decline in the rate of illiterate
adults
can offer countries obvious economic advantages.
This
is because
while
most white-collar jobs' minimum requirement is the ability to read and write, grown-ups who cannot meet
such
demand fail to get a well-paid job and usually opt for harsh unskilled manual work or stay unemployed to live off social allowance.
Therefore
, governmental efforts to wipe out illiteracy in the
adult
population will help improve the number of skilled workers and
therefore
accelerate productivity
while
sustainably lowering the budget spent on social welfare for these underprivileged people.
For instance
, in Ho Chi Minh, since 2010 the local authorities have spent a considerable fund on free classes and social projects to eradicate illiteracy among
adult
city-dwellers and by the year 2020,
this
city experienced the lowest rate of unemployment in the target population with more than 75% of them being able to get a stable job with a higher salary.
Furthermore
, policy on improving
adult
education is
also
thought to be beneficial for the beneficiaries'
children
.
This
is to say
adults
who are unable to read or write usually have low self-esteem and limited knowledge in raising their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
which might in turn hinder the
children
's development and education.
For instance
, a social study reports that
children
from
this
disavantaged
Correct your spelling
disadvantaged
disadvantage
background are more likely to academically perform worse than their peers at school yet
showing
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
more signs of either
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
of inferiority or rebellion. In conclusion, even though education for young people is crucial, it is strongly believed that state investment in lessening the number of illiterate
adults
would benefit both the economy and the beneficiaries’
children
.
Submitted by nha7032463 on

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task response
Ensure clarity and precision in your introduction. While your stance is clear, refining your thesis statement can make it even more compelling. Try directly stating the benefits to both the economy and future generations from the start.
coherence cohesion
Make good use of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs, but be wary of overuse or misuse. Review and practice using a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the natural flow of your text.
general
Your essay would benefit from a slightly more detailed conclusion that not only reiterates your stance but also succinctly summarizes the key points made. This helps reinforce your argument and provides a strong, memorable closing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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