IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Globalization threatens the existence of distinct cultural identities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is believed that internationalisation can be perilous for the diversity of
cultures
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement because of migration and multiculturalism.
This
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 essay will delve deeper into these points in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous reasons why the world as a global village is a danger to the uniqueness of cultural identity. Foremost, mass migration of students and professionals around the globe is the catalyst in
this
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 threat process. It is because when they shift
into
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to
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 other nations, they try to adapt their culture to look like native ones.
For example
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, the combinations of jeans and tops and formal pant-shirts are famous in
Add an article
the western
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western
Capitalize word
Western
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 world which migrated personnel like to wear at work and home
instead
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 of traditional ones.
In addition
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, online websites give huge discounts on these clothes
whereas
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 ethnic attire is mostly costly so modern choices are
cost effective
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cost-effective
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 for them.
Besides
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 it, the second factor of
this
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 phenomenon is the amalgamation of different
cultures
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 since modernization. Certainly, it may be the major factor as nations are connected to each other by online and offline modes and the viewer quickly grabs new things from other
cultures
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 despite considering their dire consequences.
For example
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, reception after marriage was not
initially
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 a part of third-world countries’ marriages which is borrowed from developed states.
Hence
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, citizens of underdeveloped countries have to spend hefty amounts on new customs unnecessarily.
To conclude
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, it is unequivocal that globalization warns the extent of the distinguished nature of
cultures
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 since the movement of generations and their adaptation towards Western countries.

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General Advice
To further improve the essay, work on streamlining the arguments and making sure each point is fully developed. Adding more nuanced points about how globalization can both threaten and possibly enrich cultural identities could also provide a more balanced view.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be careful with transitions to make them smoother. While the logical flow is good, there are a few abrupt shifts between ideas that could be smoothed out.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which set up and wrap up the arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
Specific examples are used to illustrate points, making the essay more convincing.
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