IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Olympic games very very important and respected in the past. However, some people say that technological improvements have reduced the importance of Olympic games in this 21st-century do you agree or disagree with this

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It is evident that international
games
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 are losing their respect in the society. Some people would argue that advancements in the technology field have turned
this
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 upside down
while
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 others believe that
this
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 statement is not factual. In my opinion, I completely agree that modern advancements taking precedence over the traditional valued
games
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 because of the
lack
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 of motivation among children at their young age and the attractiveness of today's virtual world. The primary reason why Olympic
Games
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 lost their identity is, because of the
lack
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 of encouragement and motivation among the younger population. Schools and colleges are concentrating on the academic modules rather than focusing on the athletic part to attract parents for new admissions.
In addition
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 to that, these institutions
lack
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 physical training for the students and there begins the devoid of interest.
For Example
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, a Substantial amount of students are focusing on professional courses like Engineering, MBBS, etc to gain decent attention from society.
Thus
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, they completely lose their focus on the benefits of physical fitness and competition in the
games
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. The second main reason is that the availability of online
games
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 and gadgets nowadays attracts the younger generation in the form of addiction.
While
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 everyone completely relies upon virtual mediums for their homework, presentations and assignments, it traps them in the Artificial intelligence world.
However
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 young minds being exposed to another level of advancement introduces more curiosity to explore
further
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 than being engaged on the ground for practice.
Moreover
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, those who fall into the trap of these applications and forums will begin to live a sedentary lifestyle.
For instance
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, Virtual reality
games
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 and social media are
one
Correct determiner usage
some
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 of the prominent reasons for the
lack
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 of reduced importance in
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
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. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly agree that technological improvements have reduced the significance of athletic
games
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 in
this
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 modern world because of the younger generation's mindset and upgradation level and the
lack
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 of coaching and guidance in
this
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 field effectively to motivate them.

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Task Achievement
Analyze the question carefully to ensure your essay directly responds to the prompt. This essay does a good job in discussing the impact of technology on the importance of the Olympic Games, which directly addresses the essay question.
Task Achievement
Be clear and concise in your introduction. While your introduction currently sets the stage well, ensuring that your thesis statement is clear can help the reader understand your stance immediately.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are well-structured and present clear main ideas, followed by supporting information. This essay demonstrates a good understanding of paragraph structure, promoting clear communication of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Though your essay utilises some transition phrases, increasing the variety can enhance the readability and flow.
Task Achievement
Providing specific examples to support your points strengthens your argument. The essay includes relevant examples; however, expanding on these examples or including additional ones could further enhance your argument's credibility.
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