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Band 5.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
The debate around the aged topic is that effort and dedication can lead to success in life.
However
, others believe that some aspects as money and appearance are more crucial.
This
 writer gravitates to the idea that success in life comes from hard work and determination. From an
overall
 perspective, it is widely acknowledged that experiences which are gained from those effective characters should be considered as a significant point. Taking the workplace as a prime example, the more devoted and hard-working employees are, the more success they can achieve.
Moreover
,
as
Change preposition
apply
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recruiters, often choose workers who prior acknowledged their ability and devotion. In a closer look, the man who has at least two features can have a vital experience and distinctive perspectives in work.
Therefore
, there is more chance to be promoted to a higher position.
By contrast
, another point worth considering is poverty and appearance which can impact greatly on everybody. It is convincing that money and appearance can be a necessary step to apply for a job. Because of first impressions, many people not only have a chance to reach new knowledge but
also
the
Correct article usage
a
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 high level in their job. In conclusion, the aforementioned fact creates a dilemma when people evaluate the impact of
this
 issue, and it is still a controversial issue. As far as a writer is concerned, recruitment should encourage determination and hard work of people.
Submitted by nguyenkhuyenhcmcs4k11 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. You can improve this by clearly stating your main point at the beginning of each paragraph and using the rest of the paragraph to support that point.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, make sure that your introduction clearly presents the issue and your stance on it, while your conclusion should succinctly summarise your arguments and reiterate your position.
task achievement
While you provided examples to support your points, try to include more specific and detailed examples. This can strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
To ensure a comprehensive response to the task, clearly discuss both views presented in the question before giving your own opinion. Make sure your opinion is consistently clear throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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