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Band 5.5

Some people say that the current obsession with technology and the internet means that we are creating a generation of people that have poor social skills.

#people #obsession #technology #internet #generation #skills
Nowadays, some individuals believe that the excessive use of technology and internet-based platforms is resulting in the emergence of
people
 with poor social
skills
. In my opinion, spending numerous hours on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Internet-related
technologies
such
 as Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, online shops
and
Correct word choice
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etc. can have a wide range of adverse effects on
people
’s social
skills
. It is my view that
people
 who are constantly online tend to have poorer interpersonal
skills
.
For instance
,
the
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people
 who are addicted to the Internet might fail to connect effectively with others.
Thus
, they are less likely to engage in various social events which hinders their ability to make new friends in real life and develop their communication
skills
. The deceptive nature of new
technologies
 is another reason for
isolation
Add an article
the isolation
show examples
 of
people
. In cyberspace, many
people
 are not what they appear to be and
this
 can discourage
people
 from interacting with others in
the
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apply
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society. These
people
 decide to stay at home for most of the day
due to
 a sense of inadequacy.
In contrast
, some
people
 claim that modern
technologies
 spread our communications. They firmly insist that utilizing new means of communication
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 capable of social
skills
 enhancement.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument convincing as the
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 age has caused major problems in terms of our ability to communicate. These days,
people
 find it difficult to visit each other and spend time outside of their homes.
Consequently
, their social friends are restricted by the online platforms which have been installed on their phones. In conclusion, I completely agree with the notion that extreme reliance on updated
technologies
 can have detrimental effects on
communication
Correct article usage
the communication
show examples
skills
 of
people
 in society because the number of real-life connections is limited and
people
 are often tempted by misinformation on social media. Indeed, these forms of technology are able to isolate
people
 and keep them away from meaningful social interactions.
Submitted by maryam.nutrition1988 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt comprehensively. Incorporate more varied and specific examples to support your points. This could include mentioning studies, statistics, or detailed personal anecdotes that reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by focusing on the logical flow of ideas. While your essay is well-structured, transitions between paragraphs can be smoother. Use a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences that clearly signal the direction of your argument to the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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