IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
It is a common belief that the full of
money
 and the beautiful
appearance
 are the main
factors
 that lead to
success
.
However
, there is a more persuasive argument that it comes from devotion and courage because doing so can help
people
 acquire more knowledge to gain accomplishment.The following essay will discuss both views in
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
. On the one hand, cannot be denied that
appearance
 and
money
 play an essential role in making a deep impression on other
people
however
 spending more time on them can be an obstacle to
people
 missing the chance. If
people
, fortunately, inherited more
money
 from family , they could not have the plan to use them and could destroy all of their fortunes. Not only that, but
appearance
 can
also
 make more counterparts remember beauty
instead
 of talents. One important thing is that investing in
appearance
 can consume more
money
 than knowledge
due to
 nobody
also
 has the natural beauty they want.
Therefore
, these may be hindrances to
people
 from achievement.
Nevertheless
, concentrating on talents and dedication can be the key
factors
 that bring them to
success
. Only the hard-working or determined cannot gain the
success
 they want.
However
, when combined together
people
 can get surprising results.
For example
, almost the geniuses in the world, just have 1% of intelligence and 99% of devotion.
Therefore
, if they have more determination, they can easily gain the highest point as soon as possible.
To sum up
,
while
 it is apparent that good
appearance
 and
money
 may be not an essential role which leads
people
 to
success
. It is undeniable that human
factors
 like devotion and effort must be played a vital role.
Therefore
,
people
 need to take more time on their talents
instead
 of other
factors
.
Submitted by khoi11nk11e on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a fairly balanced discussion of both viewpoints, but can improve on clarity and specificity. When presenting arguments, try to be more concise and directly address the essay prompt. Ensure that your introduction succinctly outlines your key points and your stance on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Aim for a clearer logical structure in your essay. Use transitional phrases to more effectively connect ideas and paragraphs, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument. Organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a single main point, and a concise conclusion that reflects on the discussion and restates your opinion.
Task Achievement
To strengthen your arguments, include more specific examples. These examples can be from history, literature, or your own experiences. They give your arguments weight and make them more relatable for the reader. Ensure that your examples directly support the point you’re making in each paragraph.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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