IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
A controversial discussion point is whether hard
work
 and determination are more important than some factors
such
 as
money
 and appearance to become successful.
This
 writer contended that industriousness and tenacity make
people
 more independent and more effective, despite those who believe that
money
 and appearance bring success sooner. It must be acknowledged that working studious and persistent always helps
people
 become more independent and more methodical.
In other words
,
people
 will achieve more lessons and can be responsible for the consequences if they experience them by themselves.
Moreover
, the ability of
people
 can be improved quickly helping them control their fate of
work
,
hence
 they succeed sooner than others.
For instance
, in
this
 day and age, the trend that youngsters start their own businesses and become to a millionaire in young age is persuading many youths to
work
 hard and purpose with their aim. Those against
money
 and appearance concur that it brings
people
 success more rapidly. They argue that
money
 can solve many problems and that everyone needs to use it to remove their obstacles.
This
 point has credibility in some situations, but
money
 and looks are not sustainable resources that cannot boost any skills or ensure that their fake success will be maintained in the long term.
For example
, many second-generation rich hereditary cause bankruptcies
due to
 their favours with luxurious lavish. In view of the aforementioned discussion, I take the position that successful careers originate from hard
work
 and determination.
Hence
, it helps
people
 with their abilities and contributes to achieving recognition from others.

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task achievement
Add your opinion more clearly in the introduction. This will make your stance clear from the beginning and help guide your argument throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through the essay. Words like 'therefore', 'furthermore', and 'in contrast' can help improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Occasionally, your word choices are slightly awkward or inappropriate. For example, 'working studious' should be 'working studiously'. Reviewing and expanding your vocabulary could help with this.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion, presenting both viewpoints clearly and offering a final opinion.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion that help frame the essay effectively.
task achievement
The author uses relevant examples to support the main points, such as mentioning youngsters starting their own businesses.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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