Poor nutrition and obesity is a problem in many developed countries, and some people believe that a tax on fast food would reduce the problem. Do you agree?

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Presently, eating unhealthy
food
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, which causes obesity, is a major problem in first-world countries. It is commonly argued that governments should implement more amount of tax on fast
food
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in order to curb the problem. I think
this
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can absolutely have a positive effect and would be more effective alongside other measures that I attempt to outline below. Imposing a tax on unhealthy
food
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would decrease the number of
people
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who consume
such
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foods. Nowadays, numerous
people
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, especially in developed countries, resort to convenience and pre-prepared meals because of their work times and busy schedules. Obviously, these are made with low-quality ingredients that are high in unhealthy materials,
such
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as oil and salt.
This
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might negatively affect the health and fitness of society members, creating many obese
people
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suffering from different cardiovascular diseases
such
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as coronary arteries and sudden heart attacks.
As a result
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, taxing
people
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more on fast
food
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may encourage them to lessen their use, and at the same time, the raised money could be invested in the improvement of healthy
food
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production.
However
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, increasing the prices of
such
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meals can be way more effective when the government educates individuals and
also
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reduces the price of nutritious products.
Firstly
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, increasing the awareness of individuals about the negatives of
such
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diets
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would be of high importance. Without being persuaded,
people
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wouldn't stop consuming junk
food
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. So advertisements are needed to aware
people
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of the implications of
such
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diets
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.
Following
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this
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, reducing the price of nutritious ingredients, which are produced through organic farming and free-range, without using pesticides and fertilizers, would significantly change individuals' minds, switching toward balanced
diets
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.
Therefore
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, education and decreasing the cost of healthy products would undoubtedly affect
people
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to consume more of
such
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produces
Replace the word
products
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. To summarize, obesity and the resulting diseases that are
due to
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unbalanced
diets
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and the usage of unhealthy ingredients are totally prevalent and common in
this
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era in developed countries.
However
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, steps could be taken by the governments to manipulate the cost of foods available,
as well as
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increase the
people
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's awareness, resulting in a smaller number of those who consume comfort
food
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.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Make sure to address the prompt directly and provide a clear opinion from the beginning. Your essay takes a stance, but reinforcing your opinion throughout the essay could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Try to add more varied and specific examples to support your points. While you mention general outcomes and strategies, incorporating real-world examples or hypothetical scenarios could make your arguments more persuasive and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a smooth flow between ideas using cohesive devices. You've done well organizing your essay into paragraphs and using some cohesive links. To enhance this, consider using a broader range of transitions and making the links between ideas even clearer.
coherence cohesion
End each body paragraph with a concluding sentence that ties its main point back to the essay's overall argument. This can help reinforce the coherence of your essay and makes your argument more convincing.
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