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Band 6.5

Foreign language should be part of curriculum of the school. Do you agree or disagree?

#language #part #curriculum #school
In the modern era nowadays, we can see that more and more buildings
such
 as offices and schools use open-capacity design layouts rather than conventional layouts.
This
 phenomenon is generally influenced by new working and learning styles which are creative working and learning environments. I personally believe that
this
 is a positive phenomenon to have more and more
open-space
 designs because of two main factors below. The first reason why having an open area in a workplace is a great thing is because it can create a creative working environment. All employees can work and discuss together directly in one place with no wall barrier. By discussing together in an open space workplace, I believe that it can boost the employees' creativity to manage and solve their jobs and eventually achieve the company goal.
For instance
, for content creator workers, having an
open-space
 working environment makes them more creative in discussing their ideas. They can directly argue the ideas together, improve them, and make a final concept to the ideas and
this
 process is more comfortable if it is done in an open space works areas. The second argument in favour of having an open space in a school's buildings is that it can be more efficient in terms of building
layout
. The
open-space
layout
 is more functional and can be utilised anytime for many purposes since there are no walls concrete or wood there. To illustrate, if the school wants to change the
open-space
layout
 for a particular event like the Final Exam, they can easily change the
layout
 to fit the exam
layout
 requirements.
Submitted by  11E4 Community on

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task response
The essay does not directly address the question of whether a foreign language should be part of the school curriculum, which is a significant deviation from the given task. To improve, ensure that your essay directly responds to the question asked. This includes developing a clear thesis statement that reflects your stance on the specific topic and maintaining focus on that topic throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, the introduction and conclusion are not clear in stating and summarizing your main points related to the prompt about foreign languages in school curriculums. Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion or thesis in relation to the prompt, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
task achievement
Your essay presents supporting arguments; however, these arguments are not relevant to the question asked about foreign languages in school curriculums. To strengthen your essay, each body paragraph should contain a clear main idea that directly supports your stance on the essay prompt, followed by relevant examples or explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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