IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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God created every human being with different abilities and talents. Some people think that it is beneficial to initiate
competition
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 in order to encourage your
child
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however
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, other believes that those who are taught to cooperate with one another become more useful for society. In my opinion, creating comparisons is not a good option in order to motivate your
child
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. In order to make their
children
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 successful, parents start
competition
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 among their
children
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 since childhood. They start comparing their
children
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 to other
children
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 in school, their nieces and nephews and generate a sense of comparison in their minds.
Due to
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this
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, it starts generating insecurities between
children
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, within friends and even between cousins. They start jealous of each other and their success. It
also
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 demotivates
children
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 and they start feeling depressed because they are not as successful as their other colleagues and friends. To illustrate, I don't have
good
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a good
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 relationship with any of my cousin because they always treated me as their
competition
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 and now we rarely talk because they feel jealous by thinking that I am way ahead of them. So, I think comparison and
competition
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 create insecurity and destroy relationships among each other.
On the other hand
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, a
child
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 who has been taught to help others and cooperate with others tends to give more benefits to society. These
children
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 do not consider anyone their
competition
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 so they only work hard on them and try to achieve their goals.
Also
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, they help others in any way they can in their tasks.
For example
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, I recently referred my friend Mr. Manmohan Sharma for a Corporate Trainer post in my company.
Moreover
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, I helped him in his interview process and now he is working in my company.
This
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 shows that teenagers who are taught to help each other become more useful.
To conclude
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,
According to
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 me,
Competition
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 is not a good way to motivate as it leads to insecurities, the destruction of relationships and depression in
children
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. It is better to teach your
child
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 to help and
co-operate
Correct your spelling
cooperate
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 with each other like
this
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 we can
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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we can create a better society.

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grammar
Your ideas are clear and well-expressed, but be careful with minor errors in grammar and phrasing. For instance, consider revising 'children, within friends and even between cousins' to 'children, among friends, and even between cousins' for better clarity.
task response
Ensure that all parts of the question prompt are addressed directly. While your essay does discuss both views and offers a personal opinion, a bit more elaboration on why some people might find competition beneficial could add depth.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your points, but aiming for a more compelling final sentence could leave a stronger impression. For example, ending with a vision of the future or a more powerful statement on the value of cooperation may work well.
structure
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, adhering to a logical structure overall.
relevance
The examples you provided are relevant and help to support your arguments effectively. Personal anecdotes add a nice touch of authenticity.
clarity
Your main points are well-supported and coherent, showing a clear understanding of the topic.
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