IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

One of the consequence of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays there is a significant improvement in medicines and medical treatments.
As a result
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, people nowadays can live longer than the older generation did. From my point of view,
although
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this
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 enhancement is responsible for some burden on medical staff, it provides tremendous benefits. On the one hand, the major drawback of increasing lifespan is that it can cause some burden to doctors and nursing staff.
In other words
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, older people tend to be more sensitive to diseases because of their low immune capability and fitness.
Therefore
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, society needs more physicians and nurses to take care of its elderly
population
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 but presently, there is a shortage of doctors, medical staff,
as well as
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 beds in hospitals.
Additionally
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, the more ageing
population
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 society has, the more welfare the government needs to distribute. To illustrate, if society has more senior citizens, the government must collect more taxes from the working-age
population
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 to provide ample welfare to its
population
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.
On the other hand
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, one of the obvious advantages of having a longer life is that older employees are invaluable to their companies. In simple terms. if organizations allow their retiring employees to continue working, these employees can add tremendous value to companies
due to
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 their long professional experience and advanced specialization in their fields.
Furthermore
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, elderly individuals are the best advisors.
That is
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 to say, if youngsters have any problems in their life, their grandparents can be good advisors because of their lifelong experience. On top of that, in many families, young parents must spend most of their time working and do not have time to nurture their children. Thereby, they opt to leave their children with older members of their family to take good care of their children. To summarize, even though extending the length of life can cause some negative effects on doctors, nurses, and medical facilities, it offers more advantages.

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Task Achievement
Ensure your introduction broadly addresses the topic and explicitly states your main argument or standpoint. Your introduction sets the context but could more directly address the advantages vs. disadvantages. In future essays, consider a thesis statement that clearly summarizes your view.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and develops arguments with some examples. However, the balance between advantages and disadvantages could be improved by discussing both sides more equally and exploring the consequences of increasing life expectancy in greater depth, including more varied examples and evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for introduction, each point of view, and conclusion. To improve coherence, ensure transition phrases between paragraphs and sentences are used consistently to guide the reader more smoothly from one idea to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay provides support for your main points, it can benefit from more diverse and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. These examples not only illustrate your points but also make your essay more engaging and persuasive. Consider integrating more real-world or hypothetical scenarios that directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages discussed.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • medical care
  • quality of life
  • manageable
  • curable
  • economic strain
  • aging population
  • social security
  • workforce challenges
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • environmental issues
  • standards of living
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