IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that there are many dangers associated with teenage use of cell phones because of the potential for bullying or abuse. Others say that cell phones have greatly improved teenagers’ lives. Evaluate these two viewpoints and give your opinion.

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Currently, with the high development of technology and science, the youth have more opportunities to use smart devices for their study and entertainment.
Besides
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 that, there are always hidden risks of utilizing so much
time
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 for these habits mentioned in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, undoubtedly cell phones do not only help teenagers keep in contact with their family members, friends, and others even anywhere in the world.
Furthermore
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, they can join some educational groups in their school, friends or seniors to exchange their experience to promote their studies better. Particularly, these smartphones not only help them listen to their favourite music, movies, and post-cast but
also
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 post some wonderful moments of their milestone on Facebook, Twitter, and so on…
On the other hand
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, overusing cell phones and their applications certainly have drawbacks for users. On top of that, most juveniles become addition to their smartphones which consume most of their spare
time
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 resulting in lacking of free
time
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 to play with their parents.
Secondly
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, youngsters utilize much
time
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 to post more about their private personal lives on the internet which creates more chances for bad people to use it for bad purposes.
Additionally
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, the high tech crimes always use bad websites that link with popular sites that the youths usually access to them. Seriously, there are some reports that children who spend excessive
time
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 on smartphones have potentially severe diseases
such
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 as mental disorders, and autism. In conclusion, smart devices contribute massively to teenagers’ lives
such
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 as their education, and entertainment but
also
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 in many aspects.
However
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, they spend so much
time
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 on these devices that causes serious problems for their health and their lifestyle.

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clarity
Be cautious of typographical errors; for example, 'addition' should be 'addiction'. Double-checking your essay can help maintain clarity.
task response
While discussing both viewpoints, more clear personal opinion throughout the essay could enrich your argument. Expressing your stance clearly in the introduction and continuing to reference it can provide a stronger authorial presence.
development
Expanding on specific examples, especially when discussing the negative impacts, could provide a more compelling argument. Mention of 'reports' on health concerns is good, but stating specific studies or findings can strengthen your point.
structure
You've done an excellent job in structuring your essay clearly, with distinct paragraphs dedicated to each side of the argument and a clear conclusion. This logical structure makes your essay easy to follow.
introduction/conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively encapsulate the main points of your discussion.
language use
You have utilized a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary which enhances the readability of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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