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Writing Samples
Band 7

some children spend hours everday on their smartphones why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #everday #smartphones #case #development
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With advancements in technology and the increased availability of mobile phones, some youngsters waste a lot of their
time
 watching screens, which is not a healthy trend.There are numerous reasons for negative inclination. First of all, the increased accessibility is the reason for excess use.
This
 has accompanied the revolutionary change brought in
twenty-first
Change the article
the twenty-first
show examples
 century in the digital world by the technical giants.These cell phones are accessible to everyone at a very cheap price.
Also
, these devices provide a variety of features like the internet, video games, app store where all apps are available free of cost,
thus
 luring everyone to buy a good smartphone.People now have given it to children as well.In some areas of major cities, every child in a house above 12 years owns a mobile phone.
Secondly
, the parents have now become very busy with both the father and mother working to fulfil the financial requirements.They are unable to pay more attention to their kids and find it convenient to keep them engaged through gadgetry.
Thirdly
, fewer outdoor playgrounds and sports facilities have
also
 contributed to the increased use of mobile apps.
In addition
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones offer videos and content for all ages to keep them involved.
This
 is not a good development in general.It causes extra screen
time
 which may affect vision.
For instance
, my nephew after spending a lot of
time
 on video games, has now become dependent on the
galsses
Correct your spelling
glasses
 for seeing at the age of just ten years.
Moreover
, it prevents the development of a family bond, with everyone at home being busy with online activities.
Furthermore
, there may be a tendency for violent behaviour in a child after watching the extreme content.
In addition
, boys and girls who fiddle away their
time
 on various gadgets, become housebound and non-social with less actual friends and more virtual friends.
Also
, the misuse of technology has forced the youth to adopt a sedentary lifestyle and avoid playing outdoor games
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may lead to numerous health problems like obesity, hypertension and diabetes. In a nutshell, children are spending their precious
time
 on smartphones which is having disastrous consequences on society at large.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

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General
Continue to expand on specific examples and real-life situations to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more relatable and impactful.
Coherence Cohesion
Try to include a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to further enhance the complexity and fluency of your writing.
Task Achievement
It may be beneficial to introduce counterarguments or differing perspectives to provide a more balanced discussion before concluding with your own viewpoint.
Introduction
Exceptional use of an introductory paragraph that clearly sets the tone and topic of the essay.
Structure
Your organizational structure, with clear and logically divided paragraphs, effectively aids in the essay's coherence and cohesion.
Content
You have provided a comprehensive response to the task, addressing all parts of the question with clear and comprehensive ideas supported by relevant examples.
Conclusion
You've successfully concluded your essay, reinforcing your initial stance and summarizing the key points discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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