IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think government should not spend money on supporting artists and money should be spend on more important things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #money #artists
Art is a piece of work that must be appreciated by society. There is a thought that there are many things that the government could support
instead
 of allocating the funding to the
artists
. Personally, I disagree with the statement for some reasons that I will discuss in
this
 essay. Every country has its own prioritised scale
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 spending its national income, especially in the health, education, and economy sectors.
For instance
, in developed
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 there are so many underprivileged families that still have a low life expectancy because of the low income and the lack of learning and healthcare quality.
This
 case is one of the important things that the regime has to pay more attention to. With the aim of helping those who are needed, the higher authority can provide a bigger amount of money in these sectors.
On the other hand
,
artists
 should be supported by the government too.
Likewise
Add a comma
Likewise,
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 the athletes that always have a booster from them, I do think that
artists
 have to be treated equally the same. To illustrate, some people may think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
painters are not a fancy job because of the workload,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 they do not know that to produce one painting there is a hard journey that the painters go through. Without the existence of
artists
, the world would be so much darker than now. In conclusion, the presidential cabinet should be more just in dividing the funding on the important aspects of the country
as well as
to provide
Change the verb form
providing
show examples
 it to the
artists
.
Submitted by nadhyra.haninda on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows excellent logical structuring, making your arguments clear and easy to follow. This is essential for presenting your ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
You've successfully introduced and concluded your essay, which frames your discussion succinctly and helps guide the reader through your thoughts.
coherence cohesion
Well-supported main points deepen the reader's understanding and provide a compelling argument. You've done this excellently by explaining why you believe artists should be supported, paralleling their importance to athletes, and highlighting their contributions to society.
task achievement
Congratulations on fully addressing the task at hand! Your complete response, comprehensive ideas, and relevant examples clearly demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your use of clear and comprehensive ideas makes your essay engaging and informative. This is vital to effectively communicate your stance and backing it with strong reasoning.
task achievement
By presenting specific examples, such as the comparison between artists and athletes, you've significantly strengthened your argument. This technique is highly effective for emphasizing your points.
coherence cohesion
Successfully frames the discussion with a strong introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure and flow of ideas.
task achievement
Effective use of specific examples to support arguments.
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