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Band 7.5

The continued rise in the world’s population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

#rise #world’s #population #humanity #time
The population
Correct article usage
Population
show examples
 growth is the biggest problem we have to tackle
with in
Correct your spelling
within
show examples
 the twenty-first century without a doubt. I will explore my view of
this
 topic in the following paragraphs. To start with,
due to
 medical advances, people can live longer than in the past and there are plenty of treatments for different kinds of diseases.
As a result
, people will not die easily. Most people die because of cancer.
However
, cancer mostly can not kill you quickly, and it usually ends your life step by step. In most situations, you have to fight with it for several years. In the past, almost half of kids passed away in their childhood because of illness. Nowadays, the body count is not that high anymore.
Also
, war does not happen in most nations, so we will not be killed by others currently. As the population grows, we have to cope with resource
problems
. Resources will not be enough for human beings in the future. We need more food, gas, water, and the like. What a difficult question it is!
Furthermore
, we not only have to deal with resource
problems
 but
also
 have to deal with the
problems
 which are caused by resource
problems
such
 as technological, economic, and sociological issues.
Therefore
, I believe the overpopulation is the biggest problem. In a nutshell, today the death rate is downing, and it is triggering a series of
problems
 that we have to do something about.
Thus
,
that is
 why I think it is the most important problem in our world.
Submitted by edward300225 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Continue developing comprehensive introductions and conclusions to frame your arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
Maintain the practice of using specific examples to support your main ideas.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, showing a clear understanding of the topic.
Logical Structure
Your essay is logically structured, making your arguments easy to follow.
Supported Main Points
You've provided strong support for your points with specific examples, enhancing the clarity of your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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