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Writing Samples
Band 7

Obesity has become an issue in some western countries, especially among children.What are the reasons behind, and what effects does it have on individual's life

#obesity #countries #children #effects #life
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Nowadays,
obesity
 has been a grave issue in some Western countries, especially among
children
.
This
 essay aims to shed light on the underlying causes of
obesity
 and the dire consequences of
this
 issue. One of the primary drivers of
this
 problem is poor eating habits. In today’s world
children
 have abundant chances for being exposed to diverse kinds of foods, especially the ones with high fat and sugar content. To cite an example, in order to make the shelf life of foods more prolonged, manufacturers usually add food additives and some artificial chemicals which directly affect the
body
 and cause
obesity
. Another plausible reason is the
sedimentary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
show examples
 and inactive lifestyle that mainly affects
children
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 parts of the world.
While
children
 need to be in movement every day to have healthy bodies,
due to
 digital platforms, online game sites and some other alluring factors, they often fail.
For instance
, when being inactive,
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 can not digest food properly, so the
body
 turns it into
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fat, which triggers
obesity
. Turning to consequences, it is evident that
children
 often fail to have a good lifestyle and social conduct because of being fat. They, sometimes, are bullied in public schools and are insulted by their peers because of their
body
 size,
therefore
, stress caused by these kinds of things exacerbates
this
 issue by causing
children
 to be more obese.
Furthermore
, they often fail in games which require physical activities,
such
 as football, basketball
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. The
body
 weight affects them negatively as it impedes the quickness of actions in
children
.
To sum up
,
obesity
 can be triggered by a passive lifestyle and poor diet, and it can lead to possible social problems and some undesirable incapabilities.
Resul
Correct your spelling
Result
show examples
Submitted by bhoswriting on

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Style
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and engagement. Diversifying sentence types adds depth to your writing and keeps the reader interested.
Spelling
Pay close attention to spelling, especially consistent use of British or American English. For example, 'sedentary' was spelled as 'sedimentary', which has a different meaning. Consistency and accuracy in spelling can improve the overall professionalism of the essay.
Grammar
Keep an eye on typing and grammatical errors that might slip through, such as 'the sedimentary and inactive lifestyle that mainly affects children in western parts of the world.' It should be 'a sedentary and inactive lifestyle...' or 'sedentary and inactive lifestyles...'. Small corrections can greatly enhance the clarity of your statements.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion were well-structured, offering a clear overview of the essay's aim and summarizing the key points effectively.
Examples
You provided specific and relevant examples to support your arguments, which greatly strengthened your essay.
Logical Structure
The logical progression of your ideas from causes to consequences made your essay coherent and easy to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutrient-poor foods
  • genetic predisposition
  • socioeconomic status
  • physical health issues
  • type 2 diabetes
  • self-esteem
  • body-image issues
  • chronic illnesses
  • life expectancy
  • healthcare costs
  • psychological effects
  • academic performance
  • social isolation
What to do next:
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