IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
It is highly assumed that
health
 issues are followed by consuming processed
food
 and drinks which are high
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 sugar. Some are of the opinion that making sugary
food
 pricier, probably would prevent people from buying them. Personally, I side with
this
 view for a number of reasons. Sugary
products
 can put our
health
 at risk of various diseases. To commence with, sugar may cause serious
health
 issues,
such
 as heart disease, obesity, and diabetes. To clarify, it is common knowledge that you are what you eat. If one consumes sugary
products
 excessively, one will
initially
 confront obesity.
This
 can eventually lead to other disease, including diabetes.
Consequently
, the government has to take
this
 into account and take measures to improve the manufacturing of healthy
food
.
Furthermore
, imposing a tax or making sugary
food
 pricier may deter people from buying
such
products
.
That is
 to say, if a government puts higher prices on sugary raw materials, it can make the consumers reluctant to pay a small fortune for those.
Hence
, the manufacturer will not purchase sugary raw materials in order to produce
such
products
due to
 less demand. To summarize, owing to the aforementioned reasons, I am totally convinced that we can avoid
health
 problems by consuming
food
 and drinks that are low in sugar.
Moreover
, levying a tax is one of the methods that can lead us to
this
 goal.
Submitted by aradzandieh.dvm on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay responds well to the prompt and presents a clear opinion. However, to achieve a higher score, you could include more developed and specific examples to illustrate your points. This would strengthen your argument and provide clearer support for your views.
coherence cohesion
Your main ideas are clear and logically structured. Consider varying your sentence structures and using more linking words to enhance the flow of your essay. This will improve the overall coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which help in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question directly and maintains a consistent stance throughout.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: