Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. Agree/Disagree?
As the booth of cultural identity all around the world, There’s a strong correlation between music and
people
of all ages. However
, from my perspective, I believe there are additional factors influencing communication among diverse nationalities, such
as cuisine and cultural holidays.
First and foremost, there are a lot disabled
Change preposition
of disabled
people
who lack hearing abilities in a recent-cutting edge
era. Correct your spelling
recent cutting-edge
According to
recent statistics, each seventh person on the earth finds it difficult to detect the sounds. In a case of bringing individuals from all around the world to different cultures through music could be problematic. Therefore
, there could be more appropriate ways to achieve it.
Alternatively, the
Correct article usage
apply
people
with a
huge anxiety and huge Remove the article
apply
level
of stress could be restricted from Fix the agreement mistake
levels
this
path of communication with other cultures. For a reason with a high level of panic and fear of upbeat tempo rhythms. In a case with a fear of individuals with repulsive melodies, it could be a huge barrier among people
of all ages.Submitted by libranefertiti93 on
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introduction conclusion
Your essay provides an interesting perspective on the topic, focusing on the limitations of music as a universal medium due to hearing disabilities and anxiety issues. However, it would benefit from a clearer introduction that directly addresses whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Including a conclusion to summarize your argument could strengthen your response.
logical structure
To enhance coherence, aim for a clearer organization of your ideas. Starting paragraphs with topic sentences that directly support your main argument can make your standpoint clearer to the reader. Additionally, linking sentences within paragraphs to smoothly transition between ideas can improve the flow of your essay.
supported main points
When mentioning statistics or statements like 'each seventh person on the earth finds it difficult to detect the sounds,' it is important to cite credible sources for your information, which adds credibility to your argument. If specific examples or data are not available, consider using hypothetical scenarios or general observations to support your points.
relevant specific examples
Including more varied and specific examples could enhance your argument. For instance, discussing specific musical genres or cultural events that bridge cultural gaps could provide a more concrete basis for your viewpoints.
insightful arguments
You've creatively highlighted significant hurdles, such as hearing disabilities and the experience of anxiety with certain music types, which are often overlooked in discussions about music's universal appeal. This shows deep thinking about the topic.
logical structure
Your essay structure is generally logical, providing a clear separation between introductory thoughts, body paragraphs discussing different limitations, and a conclusion. This helps in conveying your ideas systematically.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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