IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Health and fitness levels of children and teenagers are declining these days. Therefore, physical education and sport should be compulsory for all students in all schools. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is often argued that these days youth's immune system is declining so schools should mandatory subjects like physical education and sport.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 statement as it will make them physically active and allow them to explore new fields. First of all, playing sports will make their body more active physically and mentally . To explicate , in faculty students spend most of their time sitting and studying and do not get a chance to do physical movement which makes them obese and leads to poor health.
In addition
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 to
this
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,young minds now spend most of their time playing with phones and do not play any bodily games which is
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 an invitation to a lot of illnesses.
For instance
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,in 2023 WHO(World Health Organisation)conducted a survey of university students in America and found 6 out of 10 kids have movement disorder and these pupils are found with gaming tablets and playing online.
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, taking physical education as a required subject will help children to do some movement at the institution.
Secondly
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,through teaching them athletics, they can enter new areas of interest.To elaborate , if institutions start teaching games in academies it will create interest among children and they get a chance to take a look at different sectors.As
,
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apply
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there are many individuals who are not good in academics through these courses they will get a chance to go and create a bright future.
For example
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, 'Sania Mirza' (Badminton sports player) studied till only grade 12 .She was not great in academics but brilliant at sports .So she started playing at the age of 12 and made a career in
this
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 field and today she is an international player.
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, these paths will give students new opportunities.
To conclude
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,I strongly believe that presenting play and physical education subjects will be beneficial for teenagers as it will make them physically strong and new pathways for their future.

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Language Variation
Consider varying your sentence structures more to demonstrate a wider range of linguistic capability. Try including more complex sentences and varying your sentence starters.
Data Credibility
When providing examples or data, ensure that the information is accurately cited. For example, referencing a specific study by WHO should include clear details (such as the title of the study or its publication date) if it's a real citation to add credibility.
Accuracy
Be mindful of small inaccuracies or typographical errors that might distract from your message. For instance, revisiting the use of terms ('faculty' instead of 'students' or 'institutions') can make your arguments clearer and more compelling.
Counterargument
Try to directly address the opposite viewpoint to further strengthen your essay. Acknowledging counterarguments shows critical thinking and helps in fleshing out your argument's rationale more comprehensively.
Thesis Statement
You presented a clear thesis statement, aligning your essay strongly with the prompt.
Supporting Examples
Your essay provides specific examples to support your arguments, which greatly enhances your task achievement score.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points and restates the thesis, reinforcing your position and completing the essay cohesively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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