IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software? Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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More and more people are giving their personal details to those companies in order to
use
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 the services.
However
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, some may opine that
this
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 is risky. Others state that
this
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 is beneficial for us. I think
this
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 is a controversial topic, and I believe that it has more merits than demerits. On one hand, the reason why companies need our
data
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 is that they can
use
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data
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 analysis on it, and they can find more chances to improve their business. Machine learning models require enormous information to do the processing. It may predict the possible future and is good for making business strategies.
For example
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, my previous company Fubon Group which is specialized in using
data
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 science to do anti-money laundering prevention. They stopped those happening successfully. Big
data
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 can be used in many fields
such
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 as marketing, accounting, finance, and so on.
On the other hand
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, some companies are not illegal, and they
use
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 your
data
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 for fraud.
This
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 is terrible! Those criminals earned billions of dollars by using these.
For instance
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, some gangsters cooperate with the staff who are working in technology cooperation, because
this
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 is an easy way to get others' personal details.
Furthermore
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, they
use
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 those citizens' phone numbers to make calls and tell them have to transfer their money to designated accounts. The cases of that have increased recently. The law enforcement departments have found so many types of fraud. In a nutshell,
data
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 analysis is very popular, and people are using it in many things. It is a way to make our lives better.
On the contrary
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, wrongdoers
use
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 it in the wrong ways. It is like a double-edged sword.
Overall
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, in my view, it is good to do that.

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Introduction Expansion
Expand on your introduction by stating more clearly both sides of the argument. This will set a clearer context for your discussion.
Example Variety
While your examples are relevant, try incorporating a wider variety of examples to strengthen your argument.
Tone
Be mindful of maintaining a formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid using colloquial expressions or slang.
Conclusion Strength
In your conclusion, restate your thesis more forcefully to leave a strong impression on the reader.
Linking Words
To improve cohesion, you might want to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
Topical Coverage
Your essay addressed the topic comprehensively, covering both the advantages and disadvantages.
Specific Examples
Good job providing specific examples to support your points, like the use of data science in anti-money laundering efforts.
Conclusion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing the overall argument of your essay.
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