Nowadays there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?

A notable development has been growing throughout the countries in recent years – more individuals are aiming for their personal goals and achievements
instead
of collective interests.
Although
various opinions stem from
this
trend, I believe that it is highly disadvantageous.
To begin
with, individualism lets people feel challenged to integrate into society. To be specific, it often results in a lack of togetherness and increased selfishness.
Thus
, it makes individuals feel lonely. To illustrate, when people solely focus on their own tasks and situations, they are likely to excel in their fields:
however
, they lack a sense of belonging.
Moreover
, they do not know how to communicate with others, or how to solve group problems.
Hence
, only concentrating on their personal rewards or aims is dangerous as it is a driving force behind decreased communication skills and togetherness.
Furthermore
, the nation should never neglect the value of collective interests as they are beneficial to mental health. It is undeniable that collective mindset brings a sense of belonging which is a key point of living a harmonized life with others.
For example
, we are living in a very socialised world with various people and
thus
, we need to learn how to communicate with each other. Having collective thinking helps to improve social skills and secure emotional stability.
Also
, a notable study conducted by Korea University revealed that possessing a sense of togetherness is firmly
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
to preventing mental illnesses
such
as dementia.
Therefore
, nations should be collective
instead
of being selfish.
To conclude
,
although
endeavouring people’s personal goals and ambitions can be positive and negative at the same time, I believe that the bad impacts override the merits.
Hence
, we should avoid being individualistic.
Submitted by aahhyu111 on

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topic focus
Make sure the essay directly addresses the question. It seems your essay diverged into discussing individualism vs collectivism, rather than focusing on the competition for getting into university.
example detail
Consider incorporating more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments. While Korea University's study is mentioned, more detail could further strengthen your points.
relevance
Pay attention to essay question specificity. Tailoring your essay more tightly around the prompt can enhance its relevance and impact.
structure
Your essay has a good structure, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and conclusion.
language use
You've effectively used a range of vocabulary to express your ideas, which enriches your writing.
content depth
You demonstrate a strong ability to discuss general concepts and their impacts, contributing positively to your argumentation.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic achievements
  • foster
  • culture of excellence
  • merit-based system
  • dedicated
  • educational institutions
  • quality education
  • future workforce
  • stress and pressure
  • fierce competition
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • burnout
  • tertiary education
  • less privileged backgrounds
  • exacerbate
  • social inequality
  • drives innovation
  • programs and facilities
  • overemphasis
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • ethical judgment
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