Nowadays there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?
A notable development has been growing throughout the countries in recent years – more individuals are aiming for their personal goals and achievements
instead
of collective interests. Linking Words
Although
various opinions stem from Linking Words
this
trend, I believe that it is highly disadvantageous.
Linking Words
To begin
with, individualism lets people feel challenged to integrate into society. To be specific, it often results in a lack of togetherness and increased selfishness. Linking Words
Thus
, it makes individuals feel lonely. To illustrate, when people solely focus on their own tasks and situations, they are likely to excel in their fields: Linking Words
however
, they lack a sense of belonging. Linking Words
Moreover
, they do not know how to communicate with others, or how to solve group problems. Linking Words
Hence
, only concentrating on their personal rewards or aims is dangerous as it is a driving force behind decreased communication skills and togetherness.
Linking Words
Furthermore
, the nation should never neglect the value of collective interests as they are beneficial to mental health. It is undeniable that collective mindset brings a sense of belonging which is a key point of living a harmonized life with others. Linking Words
For example
, we are living in a very socialised world with various people and Linking Words
thus
, we need to learn how to communicate with each other. Having collective thinking helps to improve social skills and secure emotional stability. Linking Words
Also
, a notable study conducted by Korea University revealed that possessing a sense of togetherness is firmly Linking Words
favorable
to preventing mental illnesses Change the spelling
favourable
such
as dementia. Linking Words
Therefore
, nations should be collective Linking Words
instead
of being selfish.
Linking Words
To conclude
, Linking Words
although
endeavouring people’s personal goals and ambitions can be positive and negative at the same time, I believe that the bad impacts override the merits. Linking Words
Hence
, we should avoid being individualistic.Linking Words
Submitted by aahhyu111 on
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topic focus
Make sure the essay directly addresses the question. It seems your essay diverged into discussing individualism vs collectivism, rather than focusing on the competition for getting into university.
example detail
Consider incorporating more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments. While Korea University's study is mentioned, more detail could further strengthen your points.
relevance
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Your essay has a good structure, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and conclusion.
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You demonstrate a strong ability to discuss general concepts and their impacts, contributing positively to your argumentation.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
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‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
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I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.