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Band 5.5

Experts say if the old people spend time and get along with others and exercise every day, they will be healthier and happier. However, many elderly are suffering from loneliness and lack of fitness. Discuss the causes and solutions?

#experts #people #time #exercise #loneliness #lack #fitness
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Many
people
 believe that spending time to get
along with
 others and exercise every day is a good thing for old
people
’s health and mind,
otherwise
, they will be lonely and unhealthy. There are a number of reasons behind
this
 point of view and several solutions should be proposed to change these problems. There are two primary reasons why many elderly are suffering from loneliness and lack of fitness as a cause of serious problems. One reason is that old
people
 shouldn’t be alone because they can no longer afford to live alone without their children and grandchildren nearby.
Besides
, if one day they get sick or have old age disease, they won’t be able to take care of themselves.
For example
, a seventy-two-year-old person is at home alone and unfortunately falls so the family can’t help them on time. Another reason is that old
people
 can’t do anything except read books,
watch
Correct word choice
and watch
show examples
 TV,… cause they are not healthy enough for more intense activities.
Moreover
, there are many ways to change
this
 problem.
Firstly
, they need to tell old
people
 to exercise and pay attention to the elderly’s health.
Secondly
, governments should organize activities for lonely elderly
people
then
 they can have more friends. In conclusion, many older
people
 are alone and lack health for various reasons. But we still have different measures to change and improve
this
 problem.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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Task Achievement
Consider broadening your examples and explanations to more deeply explore the causes and solutions. A more varied and detailed approach will strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your essay's flow, try varying your sentence structures and connecting ideas more smoothly between paragraphs. This will make your essay more cohesive and engaging to read.
Language
Integrating a wider range of vocabulary and expressions related to the topic could add depth to your essay and make your points more compelling.
Structure
You've provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay.
Structure
Your essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph dedicated to specific aspects of the topic.
Supporting Evidence
Your use of examples, while they could be expanded, helps to illustrate your points and make your essay more informative.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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