IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend a long time each day on their smartphones.Why is this?is this a positive or negative development?

#children #time #smartphones #development
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It is true that juveniles allot most of their
time
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 to their mobile
phones
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 every day.
This
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 is because parents do not pay
attention
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 to their
children
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 sufficiently and games in them are so addictive.
However
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,
this
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 tendency can have negative consequences on their future
as well as
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 their health. On the one hand, the reason why
minors
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 spend much
time
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 on mobile
phones
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 is a lack of
attention
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 by parents.They have many responsibilities
such
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 as working and have not enough
time
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 to pay
attention
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 to their
children
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.
Consequently
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,
minors
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 can spend long hours on social media and games without any
time
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 limitation.
Secondly
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,the contents of apps are so engrossing and entice
minors
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.
For instance
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, on YouTube ,there are myriad videos whose contents are related to
children
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's interests and
as a result
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 ,they watch them without feeling bored.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 tendency can affect juveniles' future adversely as they allocate most of their
time
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 to mobile
phones
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 and have no
time
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 for studying.
As a consequence
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,it deprives them of building their lives.What is more,excessive dependency on smartphones can have a detrimental impact on juveniles' well-being.They allow most of their
time
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 to them and in the long run,can encounter grave health problems in their eyes.To cite an example,as many
children
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 depend on
phones
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 excessively,they encounter eye problems and are obliged to wear glasses. Taking everything into account,overreliance on
phones
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 among
minors
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 is because of a lack of
attention
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 and the addictive content of apps and
this
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 phenomenon can be deleterious for the future and the health of those under 18
Submitted by Name_1234 on

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coherence cohesion
Great job on maintaining a clear structure throughout your essay. Each paragraph has a clear focus, which helps in making your argument coherent.
task achievement
Your essay responds to all parts of the task efficiently. However, incorporating a wider range of examples and ensuring they directly support your arguments could enhance the comprehensiveness of your response.
general
To improve your score further, consider varying your sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary. This could make your essay even more engaging to the reader.
task achievement
While you've provided examples to support your points, adding specific details or statistics can make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Maintained a clear structure with an introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This logical structure facilitates understanding and makes your essay cohesive.
task achievement
You've successfully addressed why children spend a lot of time on their smartphones and outlined the potential negative impacts, meeting the task requirements efficiently.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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