IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think children should learn to paint and draw at school. Others believe it is just a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #paint #school #waste #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There are
people
Use synonyms
 who think that doing
art
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as painting and drawing is a waste of time.
This
Linking Words
 is a debatable topic as other
people
Use synonyms
 do believe that
art
Use synonyms
 must be added to
school
Use synonyms
 subjects. I think it will be an advantage if
schools
Use synonyms
 take painting and drawing seriously as other subjects in
schools
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 who believe that learning painting and drawing at
school
Use synonyms
 is a waste of time
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that
art
Use synonyms
 is an inborn talent and students do not necessarily have to study it at
school
Use synonyms
. Rather, the talented can just learn on their own and become professionals without taking lessons at
school
Use synonyms
. For
exapmle
Correct your spelling
example
, in
Zimbabwe
Add a comma
Zimbabwe,
show examples
 there is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 famous artist named Dominic Benhura. He did not learn sculptoring in
school
Use synonyms
 but it is something he was born with and he nurtured it on his own. So
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is unnecessary to learn
art
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 when it is a gift that someone can be born with.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that painting and drawing should be learnt at
school
Use synonyms
base
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on the fact that gifts must be polished and nurtured and the
school
Use synonyms
 is the best place for that. It is
also
Linking Words
 at
school
Use synonyms
 that other
people
Use synonyms
 can learn about their gifts.
For instance
Linking Words
, those
schools
Use synonyms
 that
offers
Change the verb form
offer
show examples
 painting and drawing
produces
Correct subject-verb agreement
produce
show examples
 the best artists and they can easily get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
managers who can uplift their work unlike those who did not learn it in
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because to have professional painters and drawers, a
school
Use synonyms
 cannot only offer drawing and painting lessons
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 how to manage their work and become outstanding in a world full of competition in the
art
Use synonyms
 industry. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 think that it is a waste of time to learn painting and drawing at
school
Use synonyms
, I think those who believe the assertion that it should be learnt at
school
Use synonyms
 are very correct.
This
Linking Words
 allows students to find their talents and polish them with the guidance of professional teachers.
Submitted by sisalt100 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure you maintain a clear position throughout the response. Your essay presents a strong personal viewpoint, which is excellent. However, ensuring clarity in expressing this viewpoint in relation to the discussion points could enhance your task response score.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to connect ideas more smoothly. While the overall structure of your essay is good, enhancing these aspects could make your argumentation even more persuasive.
General
Proofread your text to catch and correct minor grammatical and spelling errors. This will polish your essay and potentially improve your score.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before stating your own opinion, which is a strength in task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a good introduction and conclusion, which effectively set up and summarize your argument, contributing to your score in coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: