IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Several individuals believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should allocate more funds to take care of older individuals
however
Linking Words
 others oppose that the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest more
money
Use synonyms
 in the
education
Use synonyms
 of youth. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I would like to discuss both sides before giving my opinion. On the one hand,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the elders should be significantly supported by the
government
Use synonyms
 because they have many health issues and it is difficult for them to find jobs.
Moreover
Linking Words
, those spent their
youth serving
Add a hyphen
youth-serving
show examples
 their own countries.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should pay more
money
Use synonyms
 to take care of senior
people
Use synonyms
. Not only does
this
Linking Words
 action motivate young
people
Use synonyms
 to dedicate
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
show examples
 their countries, but it
also
Linking Words
 helps to attract a quality
workforce
Use synonyms
 worldwide . To illustrate, many talented junior crowds in Vietnam have immigrated to America, Canada and other countries where they have good policies for elderly residents.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some communities argue that the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest more finance in the
education
Use synonyms
 of the young generation.
Because
Correct word choice
Education
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 plays a very important role in creating an excellent
workforce
Use synonyms
 that brings high productivity, contributing to the development of the economy and many other aspects of a nation.
For instance
Linking Words
, America is the wealthiest country because it can attract the most talented young
people
Use synonyms
 on over the world. Because of the above reasons, I believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest
money
Use synonyms
 in supporting of older generation and educating of younger generation in a balanced way. In conclusion, in
this
Linking Words
 essay, I would like
people
Use synonyms
 to understand that if the
government
Use synonyms
 allocate more
money
Use synonyms
 to support the elderly, it will help to attract more quality
workforce
Use synonyms
 and encourage them to have more commitment
whereas
Linking Words
 if the
government
Use synonyms
 spend more finance on
education
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
, it will create a good
workforce
Use synonyms
 and high effectiveness.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Language Clarity and Variety
Consider enhancing the clarity of your sentences and avoiding repetition. Variety in sentence structure and vocabulary can make your argument more engaging and clearer.
Examples
While your essay provides a thoughtful discussion, try to integrate more precise examples to support your points. Specific, illustrative examples will strengthen your argument and make your case more compelling.
Transitions
Work on the transition between paragraphs for smoother flow. Use transitional phrases and sentences to link your ideas more effectively, creating a cohesive narrative throughout your essay.
Task Response
Your essay successfully addresses both views and provides a balanced opinion, which is critical for a strong Task Response score.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, giving your essay a strong structure from start to finish.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence, with a coherent structure and logical progression of ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: