IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Several individuals believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should allocate more funds to take care of older individuals
however
Linking Words
 others oppose that the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest more
money
Use synonyms
 in the
education
Use synonyms
 of youth. In
this
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 essay, I would like to discuss both sides before giving my opinion. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 the elders should be significantly supported by the
government
Use synonyms
 because they have many health issues and it is difficult for them to find jobs.
Moreover
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, those spent their
youth serving
Add a hyphen
youth-serving
show examples
 their own countries.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should pay more
money
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 to take care of senior
people
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. Not only does
this
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 action motivate young
people
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 to dedicate
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
show examples
 their countries, but it
also
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 helps to attract a quality
workforce
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 worldwide . To illustrate, many talented junior crowds in Vietnam have immigrated to America, Canada and other countries where they have good policies for elderly residents.
On the other hand
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, some communities argue that the
government
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 should invest more finance in the
education
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 of the young generation.
Because
Correct word choice
Education
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 plays a very important role in creating an excellent
workforce
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 that brings high productivity, contributing to the development of the economy and many other aspects of a nation.
For instance
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, America is the wealthiest country because it can attract the most talented young
people
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 on over the world. Because of the above reasons, I believe that the
government
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 should invest
money
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 in supporting of older generation and educating of younger generation in a balanced way. In conclusion, in
this
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 essay, I would like
people
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 to understand that if the
government
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 allocate more
money
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 to support the elderly, it will help to attract more quality
workforce
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 and encourage them to have more commitment
whereas
Linking Words
 if the
government
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 spend more finance on
education
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 of young
people
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, it will create a good
workforce
Use synonyms
 and high effectiveness.

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What works well

3
Task Response

Your essay successfully addresses both views and provides a balanced opinion, which is critical for a strong Task Response score.

Introduction and Conclusion

Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, giving your essay a strong structure from start to finish.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence, with a coherent structure and logical progression of ideas.

Improvement Suggestions

3
Language Clarity and Variety

Consider enhancing the clarity of your sentences and avoiding repetition. Variety in sentence structure and vocabulary can make your argument more engaging and clearer.

Examples

While your essay provides a thoughtful discussion, try to integrate more precise examples to support your points. Specific, illustrative examples will strengthen your argument and make your case more compelling.

Transitions

Work on the transition between paragraphs for smoother flow. Use transitional phrases and sentences to link your ideas more effectively, creating a cohesive narrative throughout your essay.

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