IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #outweigh
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In
modern
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the modern
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 era,
due to
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 the development of medical facilities,
indinduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 are living much longer than before
a
Correct your spelling
as
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 well
as
Correct word choice
apply
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life span has
also
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 increased and
this
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 is the consequence of
improvement
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the improvement
an improvement
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 in
medical
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the medical
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 sector. If questioned, I think there are more drawbacks compared to benefits of
this
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 development. so, my position is
further
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 explained in the upcoming paragraphs with valid examples and explanations. Discussing the dark side of the viewpoint, the first and prominent argument is that, because people's life span is now increased the cycle of birth and death is now
distrubed
Correct your spelling
disturbed
.
For instance
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, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
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 fewer
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years which has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in
population
Use synonyms
.
Further
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,
Use synonyms
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 rate is skyrocketing in several countries. To give or example,
according to
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 a survey on
population
Use synonyms
 taker place in India, it is the fifth country in terms. of
population
Use synonyms
 in 2015, but in 2023 India becomes the
secand
Correct your spelling
second
 largest populated nation. → Apart from these,
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
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 in folks is
directly
Replace the adverb
direct
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. proportional to
increase
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 in unemployment
as well as
Linking Words
Use synonyms
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in usage of resources like petrol,
diseal
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diesel
 and much more harmful gases. To elaborate, there is
decrease
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a decrease
the decrease
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 in job opportunities, as there are numerous individuals applying for the
some
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same
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 job.
For example
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, if there is a job for
employee
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an employee
the employee
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 in
a
Change the article
an
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 advertising company,
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 they will get more than 2000 applicants.
Moreover
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, as people are living longer than expected, numerous folks have their own vehicles and
due to
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increasement
Correct your spelling
increment
 in the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of vehicles,
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
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 of fuels
such
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 as petrol and
diseal
Correct your spelling
diesel
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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is
increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 pollution which
is
Add a missing verb
is is
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 harmful to
earth
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the earth
show examples
.
To sum up
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, because of
evolving
Replace the word
the evolution
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 of
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 sector
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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living
Replace the word
live
show examples
 much longer than before and
this
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 causes several drawbacks
such
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 as
Use synonyms
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in
population
Use synonyms
 and unemployment and
also
Linking Words
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
 in pollution .
Hence
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, there are more disadvantages compared to advantages.
Submitted by akshayashvi07 on

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Language Range
Consider using a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to make your essay more engaging.
Structure
Try to introduce your main points in the introduction and then develop these with clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the question.
Conclusion
Ensure your conclusion summarizes your essay effectively, restating your position clearly.
Accuracy
Be mindful of spelling and grammatical errors, as these can detract from the clarity of your argument.
Use of Examples
You provided relevant examples to support your argument, which strengthens your essay.
Clarity of Position
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is good for task response.
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