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Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #outweigh
In
modern
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the modern
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 era,
due to
 the development of medical facilities,
indinduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 are living much longer than before
a
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 well
as
Correct word choice
apply
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life span has
also
 increased and
this
 is the consequence of
improvement
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the improvement
an improvement
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 in
medical
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the medical
show examples
 sector. If questioned, I think there are more drawbacks compared to benefits of
this
 development. so, my position is
further
 explained in the upcoming paragraphs with valid examples and explanations. Discussing the dark side of the viewpoint, the first and prominent argument is that, because people's life span is now increased the cycle of birth and death is now
distrubed
Correct your spelling
disturbed
.
For instance
, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
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 fewer
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years which has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in
population
.
Further
,
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 rate is skyrocketing in several countries. To give or example,
according to
 a survey on
population
 taker place in India, it is the fifth country in terms. of
population
 in 2015, but in 2023 India becomes the
secand
Correct your spelling
second
 largest populated nation. → Apart from these,
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
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 in folks is
directly
Replace the adverb
direct
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. proportional to
increase
 in unemployment
as well as
increase
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an increase
the increase
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 in usage of resources like petrol,
diseal
Correct your spelling
diesel
 and much more harmful gases. To elaborate, there is
decrease
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a decrease
the decrease
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 in job opportunities, as there are numerous individuals applying for the
some
Correct your spelling
same
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 job.
For example
, if there is a job for
employee
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an employee
the employee
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 in
a
Change the article
an
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 advertising company,
atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
 they will get more than 2000 applicants.
Moreover
, as people are living longer than expected, numerous folks have their own vehicles and
due to
increasement
Correct your spelling
increment
 in the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of vehicles,
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
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 of fuels
such
 as petrol and
diseal
Correct your spelling
diesel
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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is
increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 pollution which
is
Add a missing verb
is is
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 harmful to
earth
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the earth
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.
To sum up
, because of
evolving
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the evolution
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 of
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
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 sector
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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living
Replace the word
live
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 much longer than before and
this
 causes several drawbacks
such
 as
increase
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an increase
the increase
show examples
 in
population
 and unemployment and
also
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
 in pollution .
Hence
, there are more disadvantages compared to advantages.
Submitted by akshayashvi07 on

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Language Range
Consider using a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to make your essay more engaging.
Structure
Try to introduce your main points in the introduction and then develop these with clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the question.
Conclusion
Ensure your conclusion summarizes your essay effectively, restating your position clearly.
Accuracy
Be mindful of spelling and grammatical errors, as these can detract from the clarity of your argument.
Use of Examples
You provided relevant examples to support your argument, which strengthens your essay.
Clarity of Position
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is good for task response.
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